Parenting Style and Its Correlates

Source: http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html Developmental psychologists have been interested in how parents influence the development of children’s social and instrumental competence since at least the 1920s. One of the most robust approaches to this area is the study of what has been called "parenting style." This Digest defines parenting style, explores four types, and discusses the consequences of the different styles for children. Parenting Style Defined Parenting is a complex activity that includes many specific behaviors that work individually and together to influence child outcomes. Although specific parenting behaviors, such as spanking or reading aloud, may influence child development, looking at any specific behavior in isolation may be misleading. Many writers have noted that specific parenting practices are less important in predicting child well-being than is the broad pattern of parenting. Most researchers who attempt to describe this broad parental milieu rely on Diana Baumrind’s concept of parenting style. The construct of parenting style is used to capture normal variations in parents’ attempts to control and socialize their children (Baumrind, 1991). Two points are critical in understanding this definition. First, parenting style is meant to describe normal variations in parenting. In other words, the parenting style typology Baumrind developed should not be understood to include deviant parenting, such as might be observed in abusive or neglectful homes. Second, Baumrind assumes that normal parenting revolves around issues of control. Although parents may differ in how they try to control or socialize their children and the extent to which they do so, it is assumed that the primary role of all parents is to influence, teach, and control their children. Parenting style captures two important elements of parenting: parental responsiveness and parental demandingness (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Parental responsiveness (also referred to as parental warmth or supportiveness) refers to "the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Parental demandingness (also referred to as behavioral control) refers to "the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys" (Baumrind, 1991, pp. 61-62). Four Parenting Styles Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on parental demandingness and responsiveness creates a typology of four parenting styles: indulgent, authoritarian, authoritative, and uninvolved (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Each of these parenting styles reflects different naturally occurring patterns of parental values, practices, and behaviors (Baumrind, 1991) and a distinct balance of responsiveness and demandingness.

• Indulgent parents (also referred to as "permissive" or "nondirective") "are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Indulgent parents may be further divided into two types: democratic parents, who, though lenient, are more conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents.
• Authoritarian parents are highly demanding and directive, but not responsive. "They are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). These parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents can be divided into two types: nonauthoritarian-directive, who are directive, but not intrusive or autocratic in their use of power, and authoritarian-directive, who are highly intrusive.
• Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. "They monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62).
• Uninvolved parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases, this parenting style might encompass both rejecting–neglecting and neglectful parents, although most parents of this type fall within the normal range.

Because parenting style is a typology, rather than a linear combination of responsiveness and demandingness, each parenting style is more than and different from the sum of its parts (Baumrind, 1991). In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in the extent to which they are characterized by a third dimension: psychological control. Psychological control "refers to control attempts that intrude into the psychological and emotional development of the child" (Barber, 1996, p. 3296) through use of parenting practices such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming. One key difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is in the dimension of psychological control. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents place high demands on their children and expect their children to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. Authoritarian parents, however, also expect their children to accept their judgments, values, and goals without questioning. In contrast, authoritative parents are more open to give and take with their children and make greater use of explanations. Thus, although authoritative and authoritarian parents are equally high in behavioral control, authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Consequences for Children Parenting style has been found to predict child well-being in the domains of social competence, academic performance, psychosocial development, and problem behavior. Research based on parent interviews, child reports, and parent observations consistently finds:

• Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative rate themselves and are rated by objective measures as more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are nonauthoritative (Baumrind, 1991; Weiss & Schwarz, 1996; Miller et al., 1993).
• Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

In general, parental responsiveness predicts social competence and psychosocial functioning, while parental demandingness is associated with instrumental competence and behavioral control (i.e., academic performance and deviance). These findings indicate:

• Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
• Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

In reviewing the literature on parenting style, one is struck by the consistency with which authoritative upbringing is associated with both instrumental and social competence and lower levels of problem behavior in both boys and girls at all developmental stages. The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood. Although specific differences can be found in the competence evidenced by each group, the largest differences are found between children whose parents are unengaged and their peers with more involved parents. Differences between children from authoritative homes and their peers are equally consistent, but somewhat smaller (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996). Just as authoritative parents appear to be able to balance their conformity demands with their respect for their children’s individuality, so children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy. Influence of Sex, Ethnicity, or Family Type It is important to distinguish between differences in the distribution and the correlates of parenting style in different subpopulations. Although in the United States authoritative parenting is most common among intact, middle-class families of European descent, the relationship between authoritativeness and child outcomes is quite similar across groups. There are some exceptions to this general statement, however: (1) demandingness appears to be less critical to girls’ than to boys’ well-being (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996), and (2) authoritative parenting predicts good psychosocial outcomes and problem behaviors for adolescents in all ethnic groups studied (African-, Asian-, European-, and Hispanic Americans), but it is associated with academic performance only among European Americans and, to a lesser extent, Hispanic Americans (Steinberg, Dornbusch, & Brown, 1992; Steinberg, Darling, & Fletcher, 1995). Chao (1994) and others (Darling & Steinberg, 1993) have argued that observed ethnic differences in the association of parenting style with child outcomes may be due to differences in social context, parenting practices, or the cultural meaning of specific dimensions of parenting style. Conclusion Parenting style provides a robust indicator of parenting functioning that predicts child well-being across a wide spectrum of environments and across diverse communities of children. Both parental responsiveness and parental demandingness are important components of good parenting. Authoritative parenting, which balances clear, high parental demands with emotional responsiveness and recognition of child autonomy, is one of the most consistent family predictors of competence from early childhood through adolescence. However, despite the long and robust tradition of research into parenting style, a number of issues remain outstanding. Foremost among these are issues of definition, developmental change in the manifestation and correlates of parenting styles, and the processes underlying the benefits of authoritative parenting (see Schwarz et al., 1985; Darling & Steinberg, 1993; Baumrind, 1991; and Barber, 1996). For More Information Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental psychological control: Revisiting a neglected construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296-3319. Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95. Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond parental control and authoritarian parenting style: Understanding Chinese parenting through the cultural notion of training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111-1119.. Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487-496. Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Ed.) & E. M. Hetherington (Vol. Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed., pp. 1-101). New York: Wiley. Miller, N. B., Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Hetherington, E. M. (1993). Externalizing in preschoolers and early adolescents: A cross-study replication of a family model. Developmental Psychology, 29(1), 3-18. Schwarz, J. C., Barton-Henry, M. L., & Pruzinsky, T. (1985). Assessing child-rearing behaviors: A comparison of ratings made by mother, father, child, and sibling on the CRPBI. Child Development, 56(2), 462-479. Steinberg, L., Darling, N., & Fletcher, A. C. (1995). Authoritative parenting and adolescent adjustment: An ecological journey. In P. Moen, G. H. Elder, Jr., & K. Luscher (Eds.), Examining lives in context: Perspectives on the ecology of human development (pp. 423-466). Washington, DC: American Psychological Assn. Steinberg, L., Dornbusch, S. M., & Brown, B. B. (1992). Ethnic differences in adolescent achievement: An ecological perspective. American Psychologist, 47(6), 723-729. Weiss, L. H., & Schwarz, J. C. (1996). The relationship between parenting types and older adolescents’ personality, academic achievement, adjustment, and substance use. Child Development, 67(5), 2101-2114.

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Source: Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education Author: Nancy Darling, PhD, MS EDO-PS-99-3, March 1999

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Repairing the Parent-Child Relationship

by Barbara Frazier, M.S.W.

http://www.thesuccessfulparent.com/articles/parent.htm#top

The parent-child relationship is being assaulted from many directions these days. Parents are under the gun of mounting economic pressures resulting in long work hours, and often more than one job. Our 24-hour a day culture has created a job market that never goes to sleep, and many parents find themselves working hours outside of the usual nine to five workday. This leaves big gaps in childcare arrangements, especially since the school day has continued to remain somewhere between the hours of 7AM and 4PM. Another cultural development that has significantly impacted the family is the explosion of mass media and mass communication, particularly internet style. This evolutionary step in technology has permanently changed the environment within which parents are trying to monitor and control the development of their children. The massive exposure to all kinds of information, and particularly information that is unhealthy or beyond the scope of a child's developmental age, has placed parents in the untenable position of battling outside influences that tear at the parent-child relationship rather than assisting to safeguard family values, parental guidelines, and promote normal psychological growth.

All of this is exacerbated if you happen to be a single parent trying to do it all. These parents are often just plain tired and worn out, and the idea of trying to sift through the problems that confront their children after a long workday when its time to cook dinner, do homework, and get everyone into bed can seem daunting to say the least. Nevertheless, the strength of the parent-child relationship is more important than ever as it is our primary means of keeping our children safe, helping them to navigate the world, and assisting them to develop personal strengths for making the right choices. The problem is how to make sure that the parent-child relationship is strong and meets the child's needs in spite of some of the circumstances just described. For many, the relationship is already in need of repair. What's offered here are some of the more proven methods for enhancing the relationship along with some tips on how to begin the process of repair.

SIGNS OF PROBLEMS

The first step is to evaluate the state of your relationship with your child or children. You can get a pretty clear picture by asking the following questions:

• Do you know your child's likes, dislikes, choice of activities, favorite TV shows, favorite clothes to wear, best and worst subjects in school, etc., and if so, how detailed is your knowledge about these things? For example, you might know that your son likes video games, but do you also know that he likes two or three in particular? Do you know what it is that excites him about these particular kinds of games?
• Do you know your child's friends, what they do together, what kinds of struggles they encounter, what they have in common, and so forth? This is particularly important if you have a teen. Do you know the interrelationships of your teen's peer group? Do you talk about such things together? Does your teen want to tell you about her friends?
• How effective are your attempts at discipline? Do you find that most of your communication with your child is around issues of discipline? Are you having a lot of problems with disrespect, defiance, and chronic misbehavior?
• How well is your child doing in terms of developmental tasks and behavior? Is she regressed? Are there chronic problems with schoolwork or school behavior? Do you feel she is able to maintain responsibilities appropriate for her age?
• Is your child overly whiny or attention seeking, or does he show any signs of having inappropriate separation anxiety from you?
• Are their any overt signs of low self-worth, low self-esteem, anxiety or depression, and if so, are you able to talk to your child about these feelings?
• Is your child overly aggressive, involved in deviant behavior, chronically angry, or conversely overly withdrawn and passive?

If your answers were less than satisfactory to more than two of these, then it is likely that there is too much distance between you and your child, and that he or she is reacting to the distance in a negative manner. This doesn't mean that you are a bad parent. It just signals that you need to reestablish some closeness with your child by making yourself more available and attentive. One caveat to keep in mind is that some of the above problems can be caused by other factors such as ADHD, drug abuse, divorce, peer problems, and so forth. Nevertheless, these situations can also significantly tax the parent-child relationship, and in some cases professional counseling is necessary which we highly recommend in addition to the ideas outlined below.

METHODS FOR REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP

If you've done any reading about the parent-child relationship, you know that the main advice given is that you need to spend time with your children. This is absolutely true and there really is no way to get around this very important step. All relationships are built upon contact that is characterized by caring, dependability, trust, empathy, acceptance, energy, and time. Relationships that are not tended to and nurtured on a regular basis become problematic and eventually erode or break down. So the first rule of thumb is that you must figure out a way to make some "relationship time" with your child that is separate from discipline or tasks. The second part of the equation has to do with how the time is to be used and what is to be accomplished as a result. There are four types of activity that are particularly conducive to building the parent-child relationship while also accomplishing the goals of involvement, self-exploration, recognition, problem-solving and expression of feelings. These are play, conversation, participation in activities outside the home, and verbal recognition.

Play For younger children (all the way up to 10), play is the primary mechanism for the expression of feelings, communication, and solving emotional problems. It is both a window for stepping into and understanding your child's world, and a vehicle for creating a solid bond between the two of you that is felt by the child through your interest and involvement at their level. You can begin by setting aside some time each day (or as often as you can) to play with your child. The number of times per week will depend on your schedule as well as on the amount of repair that's needed. If the relationship is very strained, then try and play at least five times a week to start and back off as the relationship improves. Keep in mind that any amount of playtime is better than none.

How to Play. For younger children, you might clear a space on the floor and announce that you would like to play, or you can join in with play that's already in progress. For older children, it is more effective to play in the child's room. Either way, let the child be "the boss," meaning that they decide what they want to do and what toys or materials are to be used. Let them guide you as to how you can join in or interact and then follow their lead. Don't ask questions other than to clarify their instructions. If you have not done this before, you might find that your child is a little wary at first of your participation. If that's the case, then sit and observe until you're invited to join in. You can try making comments about what you see going on, but you want to be sure that your comments are strictly descriptive and carry no judgement.

For children who can't seem to get started, you can initiate play by simply beginning to play with something yourself. For example, you could begin coloring in a book or lining up toy cars, or engage in any activity that you know your child likes. This will usually peak the child's interest and before long, he or she will join in. Sometimes they join in by taking charge and instructing or correcting you.

Rules During Play. The important rules to observe during playtime are as follows: (1) the child needs to be in control during playtime; (2) absolutely no conversation about discipline should occur, nor should their be any hint of judgement or criticism on your part; and (3) other distractions need to be eliminated for the duration of the play session. If you have only 25 or 30 minutes, that's fine. You just need to be sure that you make some arrangements to avoid distractions. Take the phone off the hook, have your husband or a friend watch the other kids, and so forth. The more you engage in playtime with your younger children, the less struggles you will have with discipline and gaining cooperation. Your undivided attention during playtime combined with the child's opportunity to be in charge will go far to satisfy his or her needs for attention and power.

Conversation

Just as play is the most powerful tool to use with younger children in sustaining the relationship, conversation is the tool par excellence to be used with adolescents. The kind of conversation we are talking about here is used to do several things: (1) promote expression of feelings; (2) facilitate self-exploration and identity building; (3) identify problems and solve conflicts; and (4) communicate interest, understanding and empathy. It is very important to keep these goals in mind as you engage in conversation with your child or teen as it is easy to digress into disciplinary problems, criticism, or attempts to push your own agenda. This kind of conversation should create an atmosphere of exploration and have a give and take quality to it, although I would suggest that it's helpful to be more of a listener and let the teen do most of the talking. Avoid drifting into lectures. This is deadly and will defeat the purpose. Remember, your job is to listen and facilitate.

How to Proceed. You can set aside a special time for conversation, but generally it works best with teens if it is more spontaneous and occurs at a time when they are not distracted by other activities. If you haven't done much of this before, it will seem awkward at first and your teen might ask what you're doing, or even be rather cynical and standoffish. If that's the case, then it's best to sincerely state your purpose. You can say something along the lines of "I've noticed that we really are not in sync lately, and I think some of it is my fault. I haven't really given you the time you need, but I really am interested in what's going on with you." If that doesn't get the ball rolling, then begin with some general questions. Tell your son or daughter that you want to know what they're interested in, what it's like to go to their school, what their experience is of their teachers, what their friends are like, and so forth. Why do they like this person and not that one? What's is it like to be a teen these days? How is it different from when you were a teen? What are they struggling with? Basically, you want to know what it's like to be them.

Once you get in the habit of regular conversations such as this, you can move on to helping your teen think about her identity. What are the qualities and values she aspires to? Who are her mentors? What kinds of relationships is she hoping to develop, or what kind is she engaged in now? Your job is to reflect back what you hear in such a way that implies that you know what has been said and you understand the point of view. You may not agree with or like everything you hear, but you will find out much more about who your child is if you allow this sort of open conversation.

Conversation is not just for teens, but can begin as early as your child learns to talk. The idea is to establish the habit of conversing in an open manner so that your children feel free to express their feelings and ideas to you as well as to feel that they can gain your support when a problem occurs. With both teens and younger children, sometimes all that's necessary is to just be attentive and present as your son or daughter chatters on about something that is of interest to them. A computer whiz might bend your ear with the details of how to maneuver software or create new programs. Your young teen daughter might chatter endlessly about the various goings on among her immediate group of friends. Your simple attention and reflective comments are the tools in this case for allowing your child to feel understood, important, and valued. As you build this base of understanding and empathy, you will find that your children will view you as someone who can help them when they have problems.

Participation in Outside Activities

So far we've been talking about one-on-one interaction between parents and children within their own environment. Another avenue for enhancing the parent-child relationship is to participate in activities outside the home. This extends the parent-child relationship into the community thereby helping the child to maintain that sense of specialness and love while operating in the world. Such activities can continue to be one-on-one such as going out to eat together, taking in movies, engaging in singular sports like playing tennis or riding bikes, and so forth. When I was eleven years old, my dad took me grocery shopping every Saturday followed by grabbing lunch at the drugstore next door. As a young girl, I looked forward to this regular outing with my dad. It was something special that just he and I did together and it always gave us (I should say me) an opportunity to talk. It was a ritual that facilitated a feeling of security for me as well as a sense of being loved and important. Such experiences can have a far-reaching impact on your child's sense of self as well as her ability to connect with others.

Equally important to this kind of singular experience is the involvement of parents in their children's extracurricular or school activities. Seeing your mom or dad in the stands at the basketball game when you are playing, or feeling their admiration as they watch you perform in a school play, or maybe catching a glimpse of the understanding in their eyes when you miss your lines . . . All of these sorts of experiences spell interest, recognition, and involvement to your children. The feeling that someone is rooting for you whether you succeed or not, is very powerful. Such participation in your child's activities or endeavors provides a certain kind of acceptance and recognition as well as interest that will go a long way in teaching them how to perform and participate in the larger community.

About Verbal Recognition. The last mechanism for enhancing the parent-child relationship that was offered in the introductory paragraph is "verbal recognition." This technique is somewhat involved and requires more space for explanation, so I have offered it as a separate article entitled "Giving Recognition." Try using this technique or any of the others described above on a consistent basis for a month or more, and I think you will see marked improvement in your relationship with your child as well as a reduction in behavior problems.

Building a Healthy Relationship with Your Child

Building a healthy relationship with your child begins with choices you make each day.

• When you take the time to listen to your child, instead of brushing her off, you are building connections.
• When you respond in a manner that validates her feelings instead of invalidating them, you are teaching her to be caring.
• When you help her to choose appropriate actions, you are helping her to be more competent.

Coaching Tips

• Connect instead of disconnect.
• Assist instead of taking over.
• Listen rather than lecture.
• Stop firmly rather than grabbing or jerking.
• Help instead of abandon.
• Explain instead of force.
• State rather than shriek.
• Smile more, frown less.
• Think about your relationship in the long run.
• Start with a single step.

Be a Character Role Model

One of the most powerful teaching tools parents have is modeling the behavior they want children to learn. In character education, that means "walking the talk," or being the person of high integrity you're helping children to become.

You may be a good role model now, but remember, you don't have to be sick to get better. Everything you do, and don't do, sends a message to children about your values. Be sure your messages are about doing the right thing, even when it is hard to do. When you slip (and all of us do), act the way you want your children to behave when they make a mistake - be accountable, apologize sincerely and work to do better.

The following "Parents' Pledges" were developed by the CHARACTER COUNTS! Coalition to help parents focus on specific behaviors they can model as part of their teaching. Perhaps they will be a source of inspiration for you.

A Parent's Pledge: Trustworthiness

I will be as honest as I want my children to be.

I won't lie to my children or in front of them.

I will not treat honesty as a rule of convenience by excusing acts of dishonesty or deception as exceptions.

I will avoid hypocrisy like preaching against smoking, drinking or drugs while doing those activities.

I will demonstrate consistently the strength of my moral convictions by paying whatever price necessary to do what I think is right, risking loss of money, approval and even employment.

I will treat my word as my bond in all cases.

I will avoid legalistic escape hatches in dealing with my children, honoring the spirit as well as the letter of my promises.

A Parent's Pledge: Respect

I will listen with respect and treat my children's views seriously.

I will avoid selfish and petty behavior and power plays, especially where my children are concerned.

I will exercise self-restraint and maintain the kind of self-discipline I expect from my children with respect to violence, yelling or other displays of temper.

I will use only the kind of language I want my children to use. A Parent's Pledge: Responsibility I will demonstrate a willingness to admit when I am wrong and to take my medicine, and expect the same from my children.

I will avoid shifting the blame and making excuses regarding my own shortcomings or mistakes, and expect the same from my children.

I will assign reasonable age-appropriate responsibilities to my children and see that there are meaningful consequences if they fail to perform their duties.

I will insist that my children keep their commitments at home, at school and in extracurricular activities.

A Parent's Pledge: Fairness

I will not resort to arbitrary power to get my way when I have taught that general rules of fairness are applicable.

I will treat all my children equally and fairly.

I will be open and reasonable to discussion and criticism.

A Parent's Pledge: Caring

I will remember that my children are stakeholders in everything I do.

I will demonstrate compassion and respect for others, especially my children.

I will be visibly charitable and involve my children in choosing charities to support. I will not discount, belittle or trivialize my children's feelings and fears.

A Parent's Pledge: Citizenship

I will obey the law in all matters.

I will vote in all elections and perform other civic duties such as jury duty, testifying as a witness and reporting crimes as the opportunities arise.

I will conserve energy and avoid littering or other forms of pollution.

Building Your Daughter's Confidence

Whatever your concerns are about your daughter or your relationship with her, helping her to be more self-confident will go a long way toward facilitating her success. Girls who feel competent can cope with life's stresses better than those who think they are inept. Self-assurance also allows girls to take the risks necessary to learn and grow. For your daughter to become strong, feel good about who she is, and draw upon her inner resources, she must (1) get to know herself well, (2) think of herself as capable, and (3) believe she can measure up to others' expectations.

You and your daughter's teachers play an important role in this process. She is able to become most self-confident when all of you can stay attuned to her stress level, recognize her uniqueness, and keep your hopes for her appropriate--that is, in line with her true talents. When I think of the mothers and fathers who have worked hard to boost their daughters' self-confidence, Sheryl's parents come to mind.

Without their unwavering support and sensible encouragement, Sheryl most likely would label herself a misfit in her family. A freshman in high school, she is the younger of two children in a long line of highly achieving intellectuals. Her parents are both respected scientists, and her older brother is a Princeton undergraduate. Sheryl, however, is more at home in the sports arena than in the classroom; she lives to play volleyball, soccer, and basketball as well as to snowboard and surf.

Sheryl's parents recognize that she is not--and probably will never be--a scholar. Instead of trying to mold her to the family's blueprint for success, they encourage her to pursue her interests. They educate themselves about her favorite sports, sign her up for teams, and leave work early to watch her games. When Sheryl explores becoming an animal trainer for movies and commercials, they nurture her passion by getting her a puppy and a bird and helping her to find dog-walking jobs in their apartment building.

Despite having an academically gifted sibling and extraordinarily successful parents, Sheryl is self-assured. She tells me, "Sports come easily to me, while other people have strengths in learning and getting good grades. I'm totally different. I might be good at something they're not." Because her parents appreciate her gifts, help her to know herself, and don't expect her to be exactly like them, she feels fine about herself:

I know and my parents know that I don't get as good grades. It's pretty unlikely I'll have a straight-A average, but I understand that. My love is sports and animals and having friends, while my brother loves computers and science and math. We have different passions. I don't find happiness in hard work or educational stuff. I get good enough grades and I'm good enough. I've been lucky because my parents haven't tried to make me successful in my brother's way, just in my way.

Sheryl's parents have given her the empowering message that she has the right to star in her own life. She gets to figure out who she is, what she is passionate about, and where her talents lie. She has the freedom to discover her personal style and to grow from her mistakes. Above all, her mother and father encourage her to get to know herself and to stay closely connected with her inner life. Because they keep their own nervous energy in check, they are able to accept their daughter for who she really is.

Stepping Back So She Can Step Up Of course you want your daughter to be as self-confident as possible. But unless you are vigilant, your own history can be an unwelcome intruder. Our past feelings and attitudes, especially during adolescence, shape our present responses to our daughters and their achievement. In fact, whenever girls tell me of parental help that either works beautifully or fails miserably, I suspect the difference is attributable to whether their mothers and fathers are aware of their own biases, needs, and worries. So before you try the suggestions in this chapter to maximize your daughter's self confidence, take a moment to mentally check in with yourself:

• Did you experience a defining moment, whether positive or negative, in your school career?
• Do you wish you had been different back then? If so, what would you change about yourself?
• Did you make any decisions or mistakes you especially regret? Do you believe they affected your future success?
• Are you anxious to see your daughter take a specific path that was denied to you?
• Are you determined to guide her in the way that you wish someone had helped you?
• When you envision your daughter's success, does a particular college emblem come to mind? Do you obsess about her appearance or activities?

It is especially difficult to feel comfortable with daughters who are different from us or don't match our internal pictures of successful teen girls. Your daughter might prefer the Goth look rather than the feminine, in contrast to what you had imagined. She might be an average or indifferent student rather than the math whiz you had hoped for. She might have one or two close friends instead of the large crowd you had at her age. Or, despite the unmistakable athleticism she got from you, she may shun competitive sports. Still, if your own emotional ducks are in a row, you are best able to:

Encourage rather than pressure her Does your daughter see your reactions to her achievements as encouraging and validating, or as demoralizing and demeaning? Cory, a senior who swims competitively, offers an example of harmful pressure: "My dad pushes me a lot to be better because he wants me to get a scholarship to college. But maybe he doesn't push me in the best way. He's--well, it's a negative way. It isn't always good. He goes, 'You're never going to make Nationals.' Maybe it makes me try harder sometimes, or maybe I just won't. Sometimes it's, like, 'Okay, that's enough!'"

In contrast, if you can offer guidance without becoming critical or overly invested in the outcome, your daughter will probably perceive that you are more supportive and affirming of her abilities. Robin, a junior, says, "I talked with my dad over the Christmas break about my progress report. We want my grades not to slip, so he asked how I could maintain it. It was an hour and half talk. We had a lot to cover, like colleges I want to look at this spring. It helped me get ready to come back to school."

Stress her goals rather than yours Do you impose your expectations on your daughter, or allow her to develop meaningful goals for herself? A junior I see in therapy conveyed how quickly parents can slip into the former mode: "When I found out my SAT scores, I told my mom I got a 1380 and she said she thought I'd get a 1500." Any pleasure she got from her score was immediately erased by the mental calculation of a 120-point gap between her actual performance and her mother's arbitrary standard.

Encourage your daughter to set goals based on what really matters to her. Tessa, one of the freshmen I interviewed, could articulate several well-thought-out reasons for taking honors classes: "I want to be a lawyer or a judge and you have to do well in school. Higher classes are more fun too. They teach you interesting things, and they don't treat you like a little kid. Teachers of higher classes like their job more because they don't have to deal with the kids who misbehave so much. Most want to learn." As a result of this analysis, Tessa is invested in doing well.

When you keep an open mind about what your daughter's path to success should look like and where she should be at any given time, she has the freedom to get to know herself. And as you know, girls can be self-assured only when they know their true strengths and weaknesses; the route to self-confidence is self-knowledge. These strategies can encourage your daughter's self-esteem:

Address Her Stress Level At any given point, your daughter may not be aware of whether she is coping well enough or whether she is significantly stressed out. Most girls are pros at hiding their distress not only from you, but also from themselves. And adolescence is a time of great flux. All it takes to rock your daughter's social, extracurricular, or academic worlds is a phone call from her crush, an exciting school assignment, or her coach starting her in a game. On the other hand, feeling excluded, doing poorly on a test despite trying her best, or getting benched can just as easily deflate her confidence. So getting an accurate read on her stress level requires checking in with her often.

Although you don't want to overreact to ordinary bumps in the road, you might wonder if your daughter is feeling stressed out if she

• Is especially secretive about her performance
• Generally rushes around, plays catch-up, and laments having too little free time
• Never feels like she--or her accomplishments--are enough
• Is excessively upset by disappointments
• Complains of feeling overwhelmed
• Has trouble keeping academics, extracurriculars, and socializing in balance
• Dreads school and feels uncomfortable there
• Twists herself into a knot to please--or has given up all hope of trying

Beyond these characteristics, the preceding chapters have clued you in to the possibility of more specific vulnerabilities. If your daughter compares herself unfavorably to her friends or siblings, for example, you might ask if she feels out of place in school or in the family. If she is frantic to be included in a clique or to find a best friend, you might talk about whether the desire for acceptance is adding to her other stresses. If your daughter is never satisfied with her accomplishments and dwells on doing even better, you will probably check out whether she feels she has to be perfect. If she struggles after changing schools, you can point out that she may be experiencing the normal challenges of transitions. Or if she seems chronically unhappy, spacey, or sidetracked, you will address the stresses in her personal or family life that may be distracting her from success.

If you are still unsure of the pressures your daughter feels or what she needs from you, ask her. Don't be afraid that broaching the issue will put ideas in her head or make her more anxious. In fact, when you ask how she is doing, you are reassuring her that she is not alone and that many teens feel stressed out. You are also letting her know you are available to talk--as well as giving her the message that you can tolerate this discussion.

Sure she might clam up, especially if she feels as if you're prying or getting on her case. But by keeping your tone light and conveying interest rather than anxiety, your gentle questions are less likely to invoke her wrath. Pick a time when she is usually receptive to talking and say something like "Are you stressed out about anything right now?" or "What can make things easier for you? I know this is a stressful time."

To pave the way for your daughter to come clean about her distress, you might disclose something about your own pressures, as if you're in this together. Or you might use an observation about her friend as a bridge to talking about her--for example, "I heard Liz quit the track team because she's so stressed about college visits. She didn't want the added pressure. How are you handling everything?"

As a next step, you might decide to gather more information. Contact your daughter's school and ask for feedback on her progress.

Emphasize Her Inner Strengths When teens think of success, they tend to see a list of accomplishments: stellar report cards, team wins, personal athletic records, invitations to formals, great SAT scores, and acceptances to highly competitive colleges, to name a few. This is true of most stressed out girls but especially perfectionists and square pegs, both of whom have specific, preconceived ideas about what they should achieve.

Far more valuable than helping your daughter to attain these external emblems of success is enabling her to discover her inner strengths. What qualities define her as a person? What makes her unique and wonderful? What do you admire most about her? Which traits will serve her well as she makes her way in the world?

For example, tell your daughter if she is fun loving, caring, or a great listener. Let her know you respect her integrity, vitality, or sense of humor. Marta, a high school senior, gets this right: "I don't like tests. They don't show much about you. They don't show how you think. There are other ways to show who you are--like the school's career program, working with kids, and helping out--rather than memorizing." When your daughter believes her self-worth is based more on her inner qualities than on her report cards or SAT scores, you have effectively broadened her tightrope to success.

Research bears this out. At the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research, psychologist Jennifer Crocker demonstrated that college students who base their self-worth on external sources--including academic performance and appearance--report more stress, academic problems, substance abuse, and symptoms of eating disorders. Although they studied longer, they earned poorer grades and clashed more with their professors. The theory is that people who base their self-esteem only on external sources become anxious and distracted by their academic struggles, which results in poorer performance. Focusing on inner qualities builds a stronger foundation for success.

Emily, a sophomore, realizes that she is far more than her transcript:

After a while I realized that grades shouldn't be a measure of self-worth or the only concern of anybody's life. Yes, grades often reflect someone's effort, and yes, they can help with getting into a good college, but other things will start falling through the cracks if grades are number one. My advice to other girls who can't bear to think of anything but a letter grade is: Look around. What constantly makes you happy? Your friends? Family? Crushes? Take a little attention away from your grades and add a little to these things--a little bit at a time.

Provide Honest and Specific Feedback Every teen girl needs to know in what ways she shines, in what areas she needs extra effort or help, and the specifics of her personal style. Such self-awareness feeds her confidence and guides her best decision making. To learn about herself, your daughter needs feedback--from you, her teachers, and her peers.

For example, does she tend to be an energetic hard worker? Does she self-initiate, take responsibility, and work independently? Or does she typically slack off, turn passive, and wait for others to help? Your daughter must learn whether she is focused or scattered in a dozen different directions, whether she perseveres or gives up at the first sign of frustration, and whether she is willing to go the extra step or prefers to take the easiest shortcuts.

To help your daughter develop the most accurate picture of herself, give her diplomatic, yet truthful, feedback. The best praise is specific and selective. For example, rather than telling her that she is fantastic or brilliant, point out her improvement in goal tending or writing physics labs. Emphasize the glowing comments on her report cards. Notice when she volunteers to help or pitches in around the house without being asked. Acknowledge her self control when her sister baits her and she doesn't respond in kind.

But be cautious about exaggerating your daughter's assets. Although girls want their parents to rave about them, they are quick to sniff out false compliments. Toni, a senior, says, "Don't tell me I'm the best at something when we both know I'm not. That just makes me not trust my parents." When I sit down with teens after psychoeducational testing to tell them about their strengths, I of- ten hear, "Yeah, my mom (or dad) told me that too, but I figured they have to say that because they're my parents."

It is especially wise to refrain from well-meaning comments such as "You can do anything you set your mind to." Every girl knows that she has limitations. When you ignore or deny the truth, you lose credibility. Other girls tell me that when they overhear their parents embellishing their accomplishments, they actually feel more inadequate. "What's so bad about coming in third in track?" asks Hillary. "My dad obviously didn't think that was good enough if he had to brag that I came in first."

You can also be honest, though gentle and tactful, about your daughter's shortcomings. Some parents hesitate to do this for fear of damaging girls' self-esteem. However, in my experience the opposite is true. Teen girls are too savvy to be fooled. They already know they are not great at everything and are reassured by the confirmation of their flaws. Feedback helps our daughters to know exactly where they stand and to form the most genuine, realistic pictures of themselves. But avoid offhand comments spoken facetiously, in jest, or out of nervousness. These can act like pinpricks that instantly puncture their pride and self-esteem.

As long as you describe your daughter's weaknesses sensitively, she may feel relieved. For example, if she learns that her reading comprehension needs improvement, she now understands why English has been such a struggle. It is not that she has been lazy or stupid, as she had thought. Or hearing that she tends to interrupt people can shed light on why the girls at her lunch table seem annoyed with her. In fact, instead of making her feel bad about herself, this information prevents her from imagining even worse or more insulting reasons for their rebuff. Feedback also gives her specific ideas about how to set things right.

If your daughter can't trust you to be honest about her weaknesses, she also won't place much stock in your compliments. So if she asks what you think of her social studies paper and you are not impressed, you might say, "The information seems well researched, but the paper needs more careful editing" or "Your thesis is sharp, but the writing isn't smooth yet." Integrating your words with all the other feedback she gets from her teachers and peers, your daughter will form the truest sense of her abilities.

One last comment: Although I have just said that appropriate feedback is vital, sometimes recognition of achievement can back- .re. For teens who are excruciatingly self-conscious because they crave peer acceptance, public accolades can be intensely uncomfortable. For those who tend toward perfectionism, too much praise can worsen the unhealthy compulsion to excel. These girls are already worried about what other people think. And once their achievements are publicly recognized, perfectionists feel hard pressed not only to maintain them, but also to surpass them.

For these reasons, schools should rethink the ramifications of posting or publishing honor rolls. And parents might reconsider the wisdom of placing bumper stickers on cars that proclaim daughters as honors students.

Evaluate Her Evaluations Constructively Since girls spend so much time in school, they judge their success according to their grades. And so do their parents. That is why report cards often provoke such angst, confusion, and misinterpretation. For sure, no topic arouses more emotion in my focus groups. Wendy, a friendly, outgoing freshman, looks crestfallen as she says: "My mom sees the comments and she's, like, 'That's all great, but where are the grades? Let's cut to the chase.'" The following parental approaches to grades help your daughter to appraise and get the most out of her evaluations:

Be Curious Rather Than Judgmental Responding disapprovingly to your daughter's report cards cuts off valuable self-scrutiny and discussion. Sally, who nervously winds her hair around her finger, describes her father's reaction: "If I get a not-so-good grade, my dad gets upset and lectures you. It makes me feel really guilty. If I get a C, he gets upset. With a B minus, he's not happy." She hesitates, then adds, "His expectations are too high." "I know what you mean," says her friend Zena. "My mom says to me, 'You got an 88? What was the class average? Shouldn't you do extra credit?' Like an 88 is bad?"

When you remain open-minded and curious, your daughter is less defensive and more apt to learn and grow from the feedback offered by her report cards. As Esther, a freshman, puts it, "When I get a bad grade, my parents don't assume I didn't study or fooled around too much. They ask me if I know why it happened."

Monitor Your Expectations Don't be quick to judge a grade without its context, including the difficulty of a particular class, the idiosyncrasies of every teacher, the current stresses in your daughter's life, and issues such as grade inflation or chance events. Acknowledge those times when your daughter simply can't try harder. Maybe she is getting over a virus and needs extra sleep. Teens in transition are often too focused on a myriad of changes to maintain their usual enthusiasm for a sport or favorite subject. Insecure girls may need to learn about friendship more than biology. Distracted girls usually have to focus on and resolve their problems before they can invest fully in school. Make sure your expectations are flexible and realistic.

Consider the Basis of Grades It is important for both you and your daughter to consider how her teachers determine her grades. Does homework count, or are grades based solely upon test and quiz scores? If so, does she typically struggle with certain exam formats more than others?

For example, true/false questions can be confusing to girls who see exceptions and nuances. Fill-in-the-blank items heavily tap memorization and word-retrieval skills, which often tax girls with learning difficulties. Multiple-choice questions are tough for mentally flexible girls who can see shades of gray. Essays require teens to organize larger amounts of information, formulate abstract concepts, and integrate them with supportive facts. Encourage your daughter to ask her teacher or tutor for tips on approaching various test formats most effectively.

Whenever your daughter's grades are partly subjective, they are harder to interpret. For example, if her current English teacher disagrees with what her last teacher taught her about thesis statements, she probably will get lower grades on her papers. Did judgments about her class participation count toward her grade? Was she penalized on a group project grade because of what other students did or didn't do?

A word about effort grades, the judgments about students' motivation and work ethic that often accompany letter and number grades. Although many parents emphasize effort grades, I would suggest caution with this approach. Effort grades are particularly subjective and therefore difficult to gauge. Many times I found my own children's to be more confusing than helpful. For example, how should you interpret a so-so effort mark corresponding to an A or A-plus grade for the subject? Some teachers are philosophically opposed to giving out the maximum effort grade; unless you know this, you might think your daughter isn't trying her best. My advice is not to take effort grades literally; if you have concerns about your daughter's work ethic or habits, ask her teachers directly.

Ask If She Is Satisfied Parents often wonder, "What should I do if my daughter is doing okay, but I know she is capable of doing better?" This is an excellent question. It all depends on how content she is with her performance. Like many parents, you may find yourself in the unenviable position of being disappointed by report cards or athletic performances that your daughter thinks turned out just fine. But now that you are aware of girls' proficiency in hiding their distress, you won't take her blasé posture at face value.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula for motivating your daughter to want to do better. You can't make her care as much as you do. You can't even make her care. Understanding her underlying pressures and how they affect her performance gives you specific avenues to encourage--but not to guarantee--her success.

For example, girls in transition are so busy focusing on new kids, social opportunities, and challenges and distracted girls are so absorbed by problems that both groups relegate grades to the back burner. Zero in on specific problem areas without chastising your daughter for her apparent apathy. If she is feeling undervalued, for example, she might assume a defiant stance about her grades to cover her fear of disappointing her parents and teachers. Giving her tangible, doable ways to succeed will help to turn things around. Most crucial, your support and affirmation encourage her not to label herself a misfit.

Constance, for example, the daughter of two physicians, is okay with getting mediocre grades at a school for academically gifted students. Although she enjoys the small classes and stimulating discussions with her classmates, she does as little homework and test preparation as possible. Her mother fears that she will have few options for college, but she sees that her daughter is not particularly stressed by her grades. In this case, Constance's needs are being met. Her goal is to go to school with smart, interesting classmates; she is satisfied with not acing her tests.

If your daughter is pleased with her report card, encourage her to recognize her accomplishments and reward herself, if only with a mental "Well done!" If she is not, she has received important information. Then it should be up to her to decide whether to change the material she studies, her approach, or how much time she devotes to her work. Annabelle, an eighth grader, says, "I didn't do very well this quarter in French because I had trouble with the big test. So next time, I'll study more. I think I'll read over my notes from class more carefully because I think that's where I messed up."

Help Her to Set Reasonable Goals Many girls say they feel like failures. But that is because they are judging themselves against overly vague or broad standards. If your daughter is socially insecure, she may want to be popular. But you may help her to focus first on making one true friend. If your daughter is feeling undervalued in the family because she is hopeless at tennis, her sport may be swimming or skiing. And perfectionists, who aim too high, need their parents to lower the bar for them.

The more specific your daughter's goals, the better her chance of tracking her success and feeling accomplished. For example, instead of trying to "do better in school," she should define exactly what she means: finishing her homework every night, writing papers with fewer errors, participating more in class discussions, getting to homeroom on time, or saying hello to people in the halls.

When girls complain of getting "bad" grades and I ask what they were hoping for, I hear of "making honor roll," "getting 100 percent on everything," or "getting straight A's." Whether these goals are realistic depends on your daughter's starting point. It is best to aim for small increments of progress, such as raising a C minus to a C or perhaps a B minus. For this reason, some schools have wisely implemented the BUG roll--an acronym for Bring Up Grades--to recognize students who improve one of their grades without the other grades falling. Struggling students are more apt to feel encouraged if their small achievements are acknowledged with the same respect given to honor students.

Nurture Her Passions Psychologist Barbara Kerr, author of Smart Girls: A New Psychology of Girls, Women, and Giftedness, found that highly successful women fell in love with an idea, "a lasting, often intense, absorbing lifelong interest." Dreams direct teens' energy, motivate them to do well in school, inspire their goals, and shape their long-term decisions. When girls are young, they have the luxury of dreaming big dreams and grandiose ideas. As they mature, their mothers and fathers can become anxious about these ambitions, especially if they appear unusual or as mere pipe dreams. Still, your daughter needs you to believe in her and to cheer her on.

As a little girl, Ann Bancroft insisted that she was going to explore the North Pole someday. Her mother supported her by finding adventure books that featured female characters. Playing in her backyard and pretending to be on an Arctic expedition, she honed her practical outdoor skills along with her imagination. Now in her forties, Ann Bancroft is a polar explorer, educator, and motivational speaker. In 2001, she and her colleague became the first women to cross Antarctica on foot. In an interview in the Daughters newsletter, she said, "I feel so lucky that I had adults in my life that didn't pooh-pooh me when I told them I was going to the North Pole someday." She is dedicated to furthering girls' explorations and helping them keep their dreams alive.

As your daughter gets older, sprinkle your support with more pragmatic information and guidance. Barbara Schneider and David Stevenson, authors of The Ambitious Generation, argue that although today's adolescents are ambitious, they often don't know how to reach their goals. You can encourage your daughter to avoid becoming what they call a drifting dreamer by helping her to translate her ambitions into clear, specific, and viable steps.

Does your daughter need to take particular courses in high school? Should she be getting certain experiences now? You might suggest that she read about areas that interest her and arrange for her to shadow individuals whose careers she admires. Perhaps you can match her with a mentor. You can also investigate work opportunities, internships, or volunteer positions that will give her valuable skills and experience.

Parents who believe in their daughters' passions can go all out in making them happen. Erika, a junior, always struggled in school because of a developmental learning disability. Besides socializing with her friends, only one thing excited her: designing clothing and accessories. So her parents got her drawing lessons, enrolled her in a design course at a university forty-five miles away, and taught her to knit. Demonstrating extraordinary focus and perseverance, by age fifteen Erika had developed her own Web site, where she displayed the creations she sold online and in boutiques.

But, you may be thinking, what if my daughter doesn't have any passions? What if she shows no special talents or inclinations, or commits to activities only briefly before quitting? If this is the case, better not to pressure her further. Instead, expose her to as much as possible. You never know when reading a book, hearing a speaker, meeting an intriguing person, or taking a trip will spark brand-new curiosity or inspire a lifelong interest.

Encourage Her to Find Her Study Style Because of innate variables such as brain wiring and temperament, your daughter brings specific strengths as well as weaknesses to her learning. Although some girls are computer whizzes, geniuses with maps, or have an ear for language, others have to work harder in these areas. In a similar way, your daughter needs to know if she is a born organizer or if she should spend time perusing catalogs from the Container Store. She has to acknowledge if she is a quick study or should plan on doing repetitions and drills before tests. Knowing her learning style is part of knowing herself.

If your daughter is successful, you may be more inclined to trust her instincts. Resilient girls say that their parents don't impose their own learning styles on them. They are happy to give them leeway to figure out for themselves how they perform best, including how, when, and where they should work. If their performance is poor, however, their parents are more likely to question their work habits.

Girls whose styles are alien to their parents often provoke worry. For example, many parents tell me that they can't fathom how any girls, especially distracted ones, concentrate with the cacophonous sounds that emanate from their daughters' bedrooms. Their first impulse is to rush in and unplug the offending CD player or stereo. Yet many girls argue convincingly--especially if they are doing well--that listening to their favorite groups helps. Music is said to act as a natural stimulant, which can keep teens alert, more focused, and less lonely as they do their homework.

Similarly, many parents are aghast at the idea of girls getting together to study for an exam. They can't imagine anything getting accomplished. If your daughter is especially gregarious, desperate for friendship, or dealing with problems that make her feel isolated, she may work more effectively with a study buddy. Bonita, a middle schooler, says, "We divide up the chapters, summarize them, and then we teach them to each other. It really helps us to learn it better and it's way more fun." Being with peers is more stimulating than being alone, and girls are less apt to resent the time that schoolwork takes away from their social lives.

Study Routines Rather than assuming you already know, explore with your daughter what study routine works best for her. Is she better off tackling her homework right after school, or does she prefer blowing off steam or napping first? Location matters too. Is she most motivated, focused, and productive when she is holed up alone in her bedroom or camped out at the lively kitchen or dining room table? Does your daughter benefit from tackling her hardest subjects first? Although some girls believe, "I like to get my worst subjects over with so then I can relax," others think, "If I do my math first, then I get too frustrated and have to stop."

Time Management One common dilemma that causes plenty of family drama is how girls organize their time. Many parents I know become wild when their girls procrastinate. They think it is ideal to start early and work methodically, doing a little at a time, until assignments are finished. While this may be your MO, it may be completely foreign to your daughter. Last-minute efforts energize and focus some people. Tammy, a creative and offbeat sophomore, says, "When my fabulous idea arrives, I may devote a whole Saturday or Sunday to a long assignment that's due on Monday."

If your daughter procrastinates because she has trouble getting started, that is another story. In this case you might ask, "Do you want me to go over the assignment with you before you begin?" Many girls appreciate parents who break down tasks into more manageable chunks. Perfectionists, who are notorious procrastinators, welcome clear grading guidelines before they start in. For example, if they know their teachers are looking for certain thesis statements, numbers of pages, and kinds of resources to award an A grade on a paper, they may be less inclined to work as compulsively as they would in search of more elusive grading criteria. If your daughter is adjusting to a new school or different teachers, she may not grasp higher-level assignments and thus will need you to explain directions so she knows what is expected of her.

When it comes to putting her thoughts on paper, which challenges many girls, your daughter has to develop the techniques that work best for her. Although some teens prefer to write the old fashioned way, with a spiral notebook and favorite pen, others find that computers magically unleash the stream of their ideas. Others find it easier to get started after they write outlines or use visual aids such as Venn diagrams or story maps. Still others need to verbalize their thoughts to someone. Eve, who is in middle school, says, "It helps me to talk out my ideas first with my mom. Saying it out loud helps. And sometimes she writes it down for me."

Tolerate Her Imperfect Behavior Although most parents want to raise well-behaved and well-mannered kids, the most confident girls are able to show their less than ideal sides. These girls can say what is really on their minds. They can be sullen, annoyed, and even annoying without being stressed out about disappointing people. They feel entitled to debate, argue, and complain. Freedom from pleasing others helps girls to cope more successfully with achievement pressure. Although it is often easier to parent a quiet, submissive teen who doesn't make waves, you might convey to your daughter that having or expressing negative feelings doesn't make her a bad (or unsuccessful) person.

The headmistress of an independent girls' school told me about a confident student whose parents likely agreed with this philosophy: "The editor of our school newspaper is always whining and complaining, but the great thing is, she doesn't care if she pleases me or her mother or her father. She's going to do what she wants to do. She's a great student. She has a great time. She's doing it for herself." Wisely, this woman added, "The ones who whine are safer than the ones who don't. They may make adults irritated, but they're getting it out."

When the girls in my focus groups discuss what they most admire about their mothers, it isn't just their positive, socially acceptable traits they speak about. Kimiko, for example, tells us, "My mom is the strongest woman in the world. It can be such a negative thing. She's very thickheaded and opinionated. But she taught me to be opinionated and strong as well. To stand up for what I believe in. Maybe that causes fights sometimes, but it's okay because I know she'll always support me."

Give your daughter the liberating message that she has to do her work but is not obligated to like it--or to pretend that she does. All girls--and especially perfectionists--need permission to grumble about their teachers, protest the amount of homework they get, and complain about school. By keeping your own nervous energy in check, you avoid becoming alarmed by these remarks. For many girls, expressing imperfect feelings and displaying imperfect behaviors offers an escape valve for tension. Ironically, this enables them to buckle down and focus on their work. Regardless, knowing themselves well requires being in touch with the full spectrum of their emotions.

Give Her the Gift of Time It is easy to overreact to your daughter's stumbles and setbacks, but try to be open-minded about when her achievements should occur. If you expect success by a certain age or grade level and she doesn't come through, you risk conveying your disappointment rather than waiting it out and allowing her progress to take its natural course. Predictably, the former approach harms her self-confidence.

Maturation plays an enormous role in girls' success. Maybe your daughter's abstract thinking hasn't developed enough yet for her to conquer algorithms. She is not going to shine on the tennis or basketball court by her early teen years if her motor coordination kicks in slowly. But if you believe that learning is a lifelong pursuit--as opposed to a rat race that ends with getting admitted to college or grad school--you are more apt to give your daughter the gift of time.

Stella, a junior, looks like a classic underachiever because she does not fit the mold of a diligent, successful high school student. Though she has a brilliant mathematical mind, she rarely does her assignments, which she perceives as rote, repetitious, and meaningless. When the zeroes she gets for skipping her homework are averaged in with her perfect test scores, she usually gets C's, even in the advanced math and science classes that come easily to her.

Her mother tells me that she has had to make a conscious choice: either to be on Stella's back all the time, checking up on her homework until it's all done, or to let her daughter go through high school on her own terms. Fortunately for Stella--and their mother-daughter relationship--she chose the second option. This mother knows that her daughter won't be able to fully use her intellect or skills until she is passionate about what she does. Stella knows this too. She has been encouraged to know her own mind; she too makes a conscious choice to get mediocre grades with the understanding that she will probably not attend a highly competitive college.

Although you already know that girls mature and develop at different rates, it is hard to be patient with your own daughter, especially if you see her struggling or suffering. But maturation can be wonderful. Try to sit back and watch your daughter evolve. As her brain continues to develop, you might marvel at her new ability to plan, make connections between ideas, use her burgeoning self discipline, and tolerate frustration. As she figures out who she is, your daughter will gain much-needed confidence. And as you apply the suggestions in this chapter, she will use that self-knowledge and assurance to discover her passions and ideals.

When all this comes together, she is most likely to succeed in whatever she does. Until then, I suggest following psychologist Harriet Lerner's no-nonsense, straightforward advice to parents; in The Mother Dance, she writes, "Children move forward according to their own timetables and not in a predictable fashion. . . . You cannot predict your children's future. No matter how terrible (or well) they appear to be doing now, you don't have a clue as to how they will turn out over the long haul."

What you can be sure of is this: Giving your daughter permission to know herself well and to remain authentic allows her to enjoy learning and achieving. She is more likely to experience the thrill of an Aha! moment when she finds a creative solution to a problem. She is better able to relish the sweet satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something important. And beyond her degree of success, staying in touch with herself has tremendous psychological benefits. Your daughter's awareness of her feelings and ability to express them appropriately is an antidote to many of the mental health problems that specifically afflict young women today.