KEEPING MUSLIM TEENS MUSLIM

 Source: http://islam.about.com/

22 Tips for Parents
What does it take for parents to get a teen to become a practicing Muslim? Sound Vision has talked to parents, Imams, activists and Muslims who have grown up in the West to ask what are some practical things parents can do to help Muslim teens maintain their Deen. These are some of their suggestions:

Tip #1: Take parenting more seriously than you would a full-time job This means both parents must understand their children are a trust from Allah, and He will ask how they were raised. If the children do not grow up practicing Islam because of their parents' negligence, it is not going to be pretty in this life or the next.

Tip #2:Reduce or change work hours and exchange them for time with the family It is better to have one full-time job, fewer luxuries in the house (i.e. more cars, expensive clothes, a bigger, fancier home) and more time with the family, than many material things and absent parents. This goes for mothers AND fathers. Parents can't instill values in their children if they just aren't there, period. Quit that extra job on the weekends or in the evenings and instead drive the kids to the mosque for Halaqas and activities instead. Or consider switching shifts at work so that you're home when the kids are.

Tip #3: Read the Quran, understanding its meaning, for five minutes every day Just five minutes. Whether it's in the car during a traffic jam, early morning after Fajr, or right before you go to bed, read the Quran with a translation and/or Tafseer. Then watch the snowball effect. You will, Insha Allah, reconnect with Allah, and in the long run, develop into a role model helping your whole family, not just your teen, reconnect with Him too.

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Tip #4: Attend a weekly Halaqa Trade playing cards or watching television on Sunday afternoons for a Halaqa. If you don't have something already in place during that time slot, help the Imam to set one up. Attend it vigilantly. The added bonus of this is that when children see their parents striving to learn about Islam, they will in many cases be encouraged to do the same.

Tip #5: Respect your teen Respecting your teen means not treating them like inept babies, but like maturing adults, not talking down to them or humiliating and insulting them. It means involving them in useful activities around the home and seeking their opinions on matters of importance.

Tip #6: Take an interest in what they do Does Noor play hockey in an all-girls' sports league? Attend Noor's games as regularly as possible. Does Ihsan collect stamps? See if you can find old letters from your parents in Malaysia or Lebanon and pass the stamps on them to her. Does Muhsin love building websites? Visit his site, post a congratulatory e-mail on the message board and offer some suggestions for the site. Give him a book on advanced web design as Eid gift.

Some Query
Tip #7: Be aware of problems and address them straightforwardly As you spend more time with your teen, you will be more able to sense if there is something bothering them. Don't brush this feeling under the carpet. Address it straight on. But don't do this in the family meeting or n in front of others. Do it during the next tip.

Tip #8: "Date" your teenager While dating is commonly associated with boy-girl social meetings, the concept can be extended to any meeting between two people wanting to get to know each other better. It's especially important to "date" your children on an individual level once they hit their teens because they are no longer just "one of the kids". They are young adults who need attention and guidance on an individual level. You can go out on a "date" when Sumayya graduates from high school (instead of going to the prom), when Ahmed gets his driver's license or if you feel there is something bothering them and you want to address them alone.


Tip #9: Don't just be your teen's parent, be his or her partner Making them a partner means giving them responsibilities within the family. Get 16 year old Amir, who just got his driver's license, to help his mom with grocery shopping on Saturday's; get 15 year old Jasmine, who loves flowers, to be responsible for the garden and mowing the lawn. This way, teens will feel a part of the family, included and needed.

Tip #10: Build a Masjid in your home Delegate a room, part of the basement or the living room as the home Masjid. You can do this for less than $25. Make this Masjid entirely the responsibility of the kids. Get the eldest to be in charge and to delegate responsibilities for younger siblings. Responsibilities include keeping the Masjid clean, waking people up for Fajr, calling the Adhan, etc.

Tip #11: Don't practice "men's Islam" That means don't exclude wives or daughters from prayers. When the men are praying in Jamaah, make sure the women are either behind them or also praying in congregation. Make sure the Imam recites the prayer loud enough for the women to hear if they are in another part of the house. Also, encourage women to pray in Jamaah if there are no men present.

Tip #12: Establish an Islamic library and choose a librarian Equip your home with an Islamic library with books, video and audio cassettes about various aspects of Islam, catering to everyone's age and interests. If 13-year-old Bilal likes adventure novels, for example, make sure you have a couple of Islamic adventure books Get one of your teens to be the librarian. S/he keeps materials organized and in good condition. Any requests for materials to be added to the collection have to go through him or her. Give this librarian a monthly budget for ordering new books, cassettes, etc.

Tip#13: Take them out.....to Islamic activities Instead of a fancy dinner at a restaurant, save your money to take everyone out to the next Muslim community dinner or activity. Make a special effort to go to events where other Muslim teens will be present and the speaker caters his/her message to this crowd. It's also important to regularly take Bilal and Humayra to Islamic camps and conferences where they will meet other Muslim kids their age on a larger scale.

Tip #14: Move to a racially and religiously mix neighborhood in your city If your children can interact with Muslim as well as non-Muslim children on a daily basis, it is going to be healthier for their growth. May be a move closer to a masjid is going to help as well.

Tip #15 : Help teens start their own youth group After living in a Muslim neighborhood and attending Islamic activities regularly, teens in many cases will develop a friendship with other Muslims their age. Don't let this end here. Help them establish a youth group, not just to learn about Islam, but to go to the amusement park together, go swimming, etc. Have meetings at members' houses on a weekly or bimonthly basis. Get this group involved in useful work like cleaning up litter around the Masjid or visiting senior citizens' homes.This group must have parental supervision, although teens' decision-making powers should not be interfered with unless really necessary.


Tip #16: Establish a TV-free evening and monitor TV watching in general Parents' biggest competitor for their children's attention is the T.V. Sound Vision's unTV guide. Monitoring what everyone watches simply means taking care to remind and help everyone avoid shows which depict sex, violence and encourage unIslamic activities. Put up a list of acceptable and unacceptable shows on the wall beside the T.V. Establishing TV-free evenings means having one evening of the week when no one, adult, teen or child is allowed to watch television. Hopefully, this is a first step towards general TV reduction in the home. This is an ideal time to have the next tip.

Tip #17: Have weekly family meetings The purpose: to find out what is going on in everyone's lives and to consult the family on important issues. Hanan started attending a Halaqa, Imran just returned from a Muslim youth camp, Bilal aced the last algebra test. The point is not to just give this news in point form. It's to elicit discussion and communication between everyone, and to keep up-to-date about what is going on in everyone's life, which gets harder when kids become teenagers. This is also the place to consult the family and decide on major issues affecting everyone: a move to another city; a marriage of one of the family members; difficulties with a bully in school, etc. Please note: Shura in the family does not mean a majority vote determines what to do about a situation. While the parents remain in charge, teens and younger children voice opinions and suggestions parents will consider in making a final decision about a matter.

Tip #18: Have "Halal Fun night" once a month "Fun is Haram" is a joke sometimes heard amongst Muslim youth, mocking the attitude of some Muslims for whom virtually anything enjoyable is automatically labeled Haram (forbidden). Islamic entertainment is a much neglected area of Muslim concern. Islamic songs, skits, etc. are a viable tool for the transmission of Islam. Maybe 16-year-old Jameel knows how to play the Duff, while his sister Amira, 14, can write and sing well. Let them present their own Islamic song to the whole family. Or have 12-year-old Ridwan recite some of his best poetry. Make one of the teens in charge of this event. Help them establish a criteria of acceptable and unacceptable Halal entertainment.

Tip #19: Provide the right role models-What would Abu Bakr have done? Apart from being a role model yourself by trying to practice Islam, make sure you provide teens with reading material about the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and his Companions (Sahaba), both the men and the women. Otherwise, the characters on the programs your kids watch on television may become their "Sahabas". Discuss what a Companion may have done in a situation relevant to teens' lives. What would Abu Bakr Siddiq do if he saw a someone selling answers to the grade 11 math final exam? What would Aisha have done is she was confronted with the opportunity to cheat her parents?

Tip #20: Read books on Positive Parenting These can be books written by Muslims, but even books by non-Muslims can help. However, just be ready and make sure you are able to identify what is Islamically acceptable versus what is not.

Tip #21: Get them married early The societies of the West are permeated by sex: on TV, billboards, on the streets, buses, in movies, etc. A Muslim teenager facing this is in a tough position: succumb to the temptations or try really, really hard not to. Getting them married early (check out some tips for parents) will ease the pressure, and they don't have to stop their studies to do this. Remember, as a parent you will also be partly responsible if your son or daughter wanted to marry, you stopped them and they ended up having sex outside of marriage. You should also remember when undertaking this step not to force your son or daughter to marry someone they do not like.

Tip #22: Last but not least-Make Dua Make Dua. It is really Allah who guides and misguides, but if you've done your job as a parent, Insha Allah, keeping your teen a practicing Muslim will be easier to do than if you had neglected this duty. As well, make Dua for your teen in front of them. This reminds them how much you love them and your concern for them.

Natural Islamic Parenting in Many Things

Parenting Teens With Love & Logic Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood - 1992 publication

http://www.islamic-world.net/parenting/parenting_page/natural_islamic_parenting_in_man.htm

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  Recognizing the Majesty of the Creator, Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala
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  Recognizing pregnancy as an ayah (sign) of Allah's power and creation
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  Recognizing that Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala has perfectly created women's bodies for childbearing and nursing
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  Recognizing pregnancy as a natural physical and spiritual phenomena given to women by our Creator
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  Exploring and utilizing midwifery and homebirth, as a protection of the Muslima's modesty, and as a recognition that birth is a natural process
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  Making a commitment to a natural childbirth, free of drugs and invasive procedures, by following the example of ~ Maryam in the Qur'an
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  Making a firm commitment to Ar Rada' (breastfeeding)
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  Recognizing that Ar Rada' is Allah's gift to children, and that it is the best way to feed and nurture a young infant
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  Following the Sunnah of the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) in welcoming the newborn child
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  Circumcising male children in keeping with the characteristics of the fitra state
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  Using the "family bed" in order to promote safe infant sleep, nighttime nursing, and bonding between mother, father, and baby
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  Supporting the right of the Muslim mother to stay at home to nurture and educate her young children
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  Following the Sunnah of the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) in gently disciplining children
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  Following the Sunnah of the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) in playing and joking with our children
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  Following the Sunnah of the Prophet (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam) in showing tenderness and mercy to our children
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  Making a firm commitment to raising our children in an environment free from the toxic influences in today's culture
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  Making a commitment to ensure that our children receive the best education we can give them, without compromising their modesty and innocence by putting them in un Islamic environments
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  Supporting Islamic schools and Islamic homeschooling
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  Making a commitment to our children's health by restricting junk food and sweets, and by promoting exercise
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  Teaching our children to pray by the age of seven
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  Giving our children the gift of Tajweed al Qur'an
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  Making informed decisions about childhood vaccinations
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  Separating older boys and girls from one another so that they can remain in a state of haya' (modesty, shyness) as commanded by Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala and His Messenger (sallalahu aleyhi wa salaam)
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  Teaching our children about the sanctity of marriage and marital relations by striving to be an upright and moral Muslim
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  Encouraging young girls to wear the hijab and cover their adornments
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  Encouraging young men to grow the beard and guard their modesty
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  Recognizing that children are an Amana (trust) from Allah subhannahu wa ta'ala, born in a state of complete fitra, and that it is our duty, as Muslim adults, to protect, nurture, and educate them so that they can grow up as strong Muslim men and women.

Effective Islamic Parenting

he Soul of your child is like an uncut precious jewel entrusted into your care by Allah. To you is given the awesome responsibility of shaping that precious jewel into a beautiful form, pleasing to the eye of Allah. It is your sacred duty to ensure your child grows up to be a good and right human being (Muslim). The oneness (tawhid) of Allah is also expressed in the unity of Islamic life. Raising your children to be good and right human beings is part of the necessary Islamization of world society. The simple fact is that it is very difficult, perhaps impossible, to raise your children to be truly good and right human beings in the world as it is at present. Only in a fully Islamic world will the conditions exist where children will naturally develop into the good and right humans beings desired by Allah. That is the beautiful future we can offer our children, but to do this we must do battle with the influences of the present wrong world as we create that promised future for our children. We do this by learning the knowledge and skills it takes to be an effective Islamic parent, and developing in our hearts the unstoppable desire to put these skills and knowledge into practice in our everyday life as we aid our children in their development. We are greatly blessed by Allah to be Muslims at this particular time in world history. The unique social and historical conditions, combined with new the knowledge and technology now available, make it not only possible but highly likely that within a generation or so we will live in that long unfulfilled dream of all Muslims, a truly Islamic world. These unique conditions existing today are: the fact that the prevailing dominant world culture, the Western culture, is undergoing a widespread social collapse due to the inherent wrongness within its belief systems and behaviours; that the conclusions of modern science have finally reached a point where one must acknowledge science now supports the traditional beliefs in God and His works; that we have recently come to understand the laws of learning by which all human characteristics are developed; and, that we now have a worldwide communication network so effective that any important new idea could reach virtually every person in the world within days. The result of these existing conditions is that: those suffering from the collapse of the Western way of life and thought are desperate for some solution to their distress and will see in Islam that much needed answer; atheism and secular materialism will lose their power to take the faith in Islam from our youth; through the spread of the knowledge of learning theory each new generation will come closer to the perfect expression of Islam in the physical existence; and, through the right use of communication technology a unified ummah of 1.2 billion Muslims will be able to effectively offer the traditional scholarship and knowledge of Islam to all the people of the world. In the coming years there will occur many new opportunities for all Muslims to take an active role in the creation of this truly and fully Islamic world of the future. As a most important beginning to this momentous task it is necessary for every Muslim parent to learn and practice the techniques of effective Islamic parenting. The path to effective Islamic parenting consists of two parts, necessarily inseparable. They are an objective, accurate and positive worldview, combined with a good understanding of the laws of learning by which all human characteristics develop. This is necessary because the laws of learning are much too powerful to be used without a clear positive direction in which to influence the child's development. Islam most certainly provides this clear, correct and positive direction, as Allah would never mislead us. All laws in this physical universe belong to Allah, and the laws of learning, to the degree we correctly understand them, by which all human development takes place are created by Allah just as are the laws of physics which hold the moon, sun, and stars in place. These laws of learning provide the most powerful tool for directing the development of the individual or any social group that has ever existed. For a Muslim to be a truly effective Islamic parent it is necessary to understand Allah's laws of learning. Just as Allah has made our religion easy for us, Allah has made the laws of learning easy for us to understand and use. Actually, these laws of learning in their entirety can be quite complex, and to fully comprehend these laws and understand their widest application can take many years of study. Nevertheless, all thanks to His Mercy, Allah has allowed anyone hearing a brief and simple explanation of these laws of learning to be able to use most of their incredible power. This easily understood knowledge of the laws of learning is more than enough to enable a parent to raise their child as a good and right human being. It is important that knowledge of these laws of learning and their use should never be seen as somehow separate from the unity of Islamic life. To be most effective in helping you raise your children, these laws of learning are not to be 'applied' like some mechanical tool, but they must be incorporated deeply into the innermost reaches of your consciousness until they become a natural part of your unique style of interpersonal communication and interaction with your child. In order to keep this explanation of the laws of learning both brief and simple it will be presented as a successive series of individual points, but made specific for use in effective Islamic parenting: GENERAL LAWS OF DEVELOPMENT Most basic premise - That any person or social group who possesses both a positive and accurate world view and an understanding of the laws of learning will move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right. An infant child comes into the world perfectly good and only becomes other than perfectly good while growing into adulthood due to the influences upon him/her during their years of development. Human society is obviously not perfectly good at this point in history, in fact our world society has become so bad that some philosophers have made the claim that human nature is basically evil. The reason so much evil exists in today's world is not because human nature is basically evil, but because the influences we naturally encounter as physical beings in a material world tend most often to direct our development away from Allah. The influences upon us come from three sources in our environment, the physical, the social(any influence coming either directly or indirectly from other people), and from inner speech(the influence of our own thoughts and feelings). Every influence upon a us will have some effect greater than zero; and, while most of these will be very small, some can be so powerful as to be life changing. The overall impact upon our development of any single influence from any of these three sources can be either negative or positive. Every individual is subjected to many thousands of influences every day, some of these influences being directed toward evil and some being directed toward Allah. To overcome the influence of evil (movement toward the material) and move toward Allah (the spiritual) takes consistent and concentrated effort. If we do not recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we will go whichever way the influences take us, thereby too often moving away from Allah and toward evil. If we can recognize the affect of these influences upon our development we can use the laws of learning to limit the affect of the negative influences upon us and to increase the affect of the positive influences upon us, thereby moving continuously away from evil and moving toward Allah. When we see an influence upon us that we know would push us away from Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can take away the power of that negative influence. When we see an influence upon us that we know would help us move toward Allah we can say things to ourselves using inner speech that can add greatly to the power of that positive influence. As we learn to recognize all the influences upon us from the inner and outer realms of the environment, when we learn to correctly identify those influences as being either negative or positive upon our development, and when we learn to use our inner speech to say the correct things after each one of those negative or positive influences (which will reduce the power of the negative and increase the power of the positive), then we will begin naturally and inevitably to move away from all that is wrong and harmful, and we will begin to move naturally and inevitably toward all things good and right. An individual who does these things cannot fail to become a good and right human being; and, a society that does these things cannot fail to become a good and right society. GENERAL LAWS OF LEARNING Basically, all laws of learning involve what is commonly called reward and punishment. Any behaviour that is followed by reward (reinforcement) will tend to increase in the future. There are two classes of reward: when something that is desired is given after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, if you were to smile at your child after he/she says something nice); and, when something that is disliked is removed after a behaviour, that is reward (for example, when your feeling of shame for some wrong you have done is removed by offering sincere repentance and seeking forgiveness from Allah). Any behaviour that is followed by punishment will tend to decrease in the future. There are two classes of punishment: when something that is disliked occurs after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if you were to hit your child after he/she says something rude); and, when something that is liked is removed after a behaviour, that is punishment (for example, if your child is not allowed to continue playing after hitting a playmate). Punishment is always harmful to the child even if it seems to achieve the parent's goal. The undesirable side effects of punishment are: the child will sometimes try to escape from or retaliate (fight) against the punishing situation; the child will sometimes have negative feelings toward whoever punishes him/her; and, punishment usually remains effective only when the possibility of punishment is clearly present. The alternative to punishment should not be permissiveness (meaning to let your child do anything they want), if there is anything more harmful to the child's development than punishment it is permissiveness. The right alternative to punishment in raising a child is called directed positive influence. Directed positive influence means to reward (with praise, attention or an occasional small gift) your child after they do things that are good and right, while gently providing correction when your child does wrong. The younger you start using directed positive influence with your child the easier it will be for you and the more effective it will be in helping your child develop into a good and right human being. To provide effective Islamic parenting you must understand the concept of 'shaping'. Shaping is the consistent rewarding of successive small steps toward any desired goal for your child. With the shaping process correctly and consistently in effect there is no positive goal that cannot be achieved. Set every goal at perfection, being rewarding of successful steps along that unending path but never punishing the non-arrival at that perfect goal. The beginning steps in the shaping process should be kept small so they are easily accomplished successfully. If during the shaping process you make any step so large that it cannot be accomplished then the progress toward the desired goal will come to a stop, and often revert back to a much less desired level. Lots of reward should be given at the beginning of the shaping process and then should be gradually reduced in the later stages. If reward is given after every behaviour in the shaping process this is called 'continuous reinforcement'. Continuous reinforcement is very good for getting progress toward some desired goal underway. The problem with continuous reinforcement is that the behaviour can become too dependent on the reward, and could stop quickly if the reward stops. If reward is given not after every behaviour in the shaping process but after only some behaviours this is called 'variable reinforcement'. Variable reinforcement is a good way to maintain progress toward a desired goal without the behaviour becoming too dependent on the reward, so that your child does not always expect to be rewarded for their right behaviour. To make the shaping process most effective you should teach your child how to reward their successful progress with inner speech, their own thoughts and feelings, so reward from others is no longer necessary to maintain good and right behaviour. It is good to always discuss your goals for your child with him/her so that you are consciously working together to achieve goals you both desire. It will help your child greatly in their development if you can teach him/her the specifics of the laws of learning that you are using to help them become good and right human beings. For most effective parenting everyone in the family group should be made aware of and helped to understand these laws of learning, should try to relate to each other on the basis of these laws of learning, and should share, appreciate and work together to achieve the desired goals. SPECIFICS OF EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING For Islamic parenting to be most effective there must be a truly Islamic society, so part of your responsibility as Muslim parents is to help recreate a right Islamic world. Parental love for their children is a Mercy from Allah, not only in humans but even in animals. In Islam the love of a parent for their child is so taken for granted that it is not even thought necessary to state this as a requirement for parents. In Islam the main responsibility the parent has to their child is to provide for their education (this is to be understood in the broadest possible sense, including all things that assist the child to become a good and right human being). The Qur'an also places great responsibility on the child in regard to their parents, requiring the child to be kind to the parents, to help their parents in their old age, to never speak to their parents with contempt, to never reject their parents, to honour their parents, and to fulfil all these responsibilities with humility. Every child should be taught from their earliest years about their responsibility as a vicegerent(khalifah) of Allah; that it is their duty as vicegerent to transform themselves into Muslims living in true submission to the Will of Allah, that it is their duty to transform all of human society into an Islamic society living in true submission to the Will of Allah, and that it their duty to transform the physical world of space and time into a garden paradise for Allah. Raise your child to be a courageous Muslim, willing to struggle against evil in the greater and lesser jihad, as this will be necessary to create a right Islamic world for the future. Raise your child to fully believe they will successfully create and live in a truly Islamic world, because belief is critical to successfully achieving any goal. Anything that you believe will happen is more likely to happen because you will find ways (both consciously and unconsciously) to make sure it happens, and anything that you don't believe will happen is less likely to happen because you will find ways to make sure it doesn't happen; this fact is known as the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'. The parent should never let their love for their child prevent them from doing what is right for their child (for example neglecting to correct the child when he/she does wrong). If there is a conflict of interests, the requirements of Islam have priority over the desires of the child (for example, if the child would rather play than pray). Teach your child to love Allah, The Prophet, Islam, and Islamic values. Teach your child to see all things and understand all things from the perspective of Islam. In Islam if it becomes necessary to correct your child for some wrongdoing this must be done according to a certain hierarchy: first, explain to your child in a gentle way how they have overstepped some limit from rightness into wrong; second, if the gentle instruction does not result in the child correcting that wrong behaviour, you should indicate your disapproval of that wrong behaviour by withdrawing your favour (for example, do not give smiles, hugs or kind words to your child at such times); and third, only as a last resort, your child can be physically punished (beaten) if they do not correct the wrong behaviour. In Islam if it becomes necessary for you to beat your child there are specific rules and limitations: you may not hit your child on the face or stomach, you may not hit your child more than a maximum of three times, and you may not hit your child hard enough to leave a cut or bruise on the skin. You should never hit your child when you are angry, not only are you then more likely to become excessive in your punishment but doing so will teach your child that it is right to hit people when they are angry. It is important to realize that if you reach a point where you feel it is necessary to beat your child then something has gone badly wrong, and you previously have not done all you could have done to avoid this becoming necessary. It is a fact of learning that you cannot punish a child without harming him/her, so punishment can only become necessary if you have no positive alternative, and the good that comes from being punished will outweigh the harm you do to your child. Remember, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never once hit a child, a woman or a servant. Do not argue with your child, as there is almost never any benefit in doing so. Although your child might well choose to pray at a younger age, at seven years of age your child should be required to pray through gentle encouragement; and, at ten years of age your child can be beaten for not praying, although this circumstance should never arise with correct Islamic parenting. Your child should be taught to memorize the Qur'an, the benefits are many and much wider in scope than is often believed in these modern times. At every age there must be appropriate rights given to your child and necessary limits set upon your child's behaviour, which will allow your child to fully explore their human potential while not causing harm to themselves, harm to others or damage to their surroundings. If you see your child doing something wrong it is usually not even necessary to mention the thing that is wrong, instead, it is often sufficient (and always more desirable) only to say how much you like the right thing which is the opposite of the wrong being done. You should not expose your child's failings or wrongdoings in front of others, if this must be done it is best if it be done privately. Don't give much attention to the bad or wrong things your child does and says, but give lots of attention to the good or right things your child does and says. You should, of course, always love your child unconditionally, but you should only express that love at times which are most beneficial to your child. You should at all times be a model of a good and right human being (Muslim) for your child. bismillaahir rahmaanir rahiim EFFECTIVE ISLAMIC PARENTING (Read each morning!!!) I am raising my child to be a successful vicegerent (khalifah) of Allah, who will help create a truly Islamic World. Today I will try my best to know and understand all the influences upon my child's development. Today I will try my best to help my child understand the power of negative influences to take him/her away from Allah, and the power of positive influences to take him/her to Allah. Today I will try my best to shield my child from the power of the negative influences to take him/her away from Allah. Today I will try my best to enhance (increase) the power of the positive influences upon my child to take him/her toward llah. Today I will try my best to notice some positive things my child does or says, and tell him/her how much those things are appreciated by me and by Allah. Today I will try my best to say nothing negative to my child. Even if I have to correct my child's wrong behaviour I will try my best to find some positive way to do so. Today I will love my child unconditionally, but I will try my best to express that love at times which are most beneficial to my child. Today I will try my best to be an example of a good and right human being (Muslim) for my child. Today I will pray for Allah's help that I can be a good parent for my child.

The Role of Parents

Source: http://islam.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ/Ya&zTi=1&sdn=islam&cdn=religion&tm=19&gps=142_393_832_584&f=00&tt=14&bt=1&bts=0&zu=http%3A//soundvision.com/Info/parenting/teens/role.asp
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "No child is born except on Al-Fitra (Islam) and then his parents make him Jewish, Christian or Magian, as an animal produces a perfect young animal: do you see any part of its body amputated?" (part of a Hadith in Bukhari).


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How did Abu Kibria do it?

The father of four children who are between the ages of 12 and 25, came to Canada from Bangladesh (which was then east Pakistan) in 1967. All of his children were born in Canada.

His eldest daughter, Shaila, 25, recently finished writing a book about her experience wearing Hijab in Canada, entitled "Maariya's Day" (which is available at Chapter's bookstores across Canada).

Kibria's other children are involved with various programs in the Muslim community. They all pray five times a day. The girls all wear Hijab even though, "I never asked my daughters to wear Hijab," he says.

Some amazed parents may ask how did Abu Kibria, his wife and other parents with kids like the Kibrias', help their children maintain their Deen in an environment of growing secularism, materialism and the hedonism of youth culture in the West?


How did they do it amidst horror stories of Muslim youth doing drugs, having sex outside of marriage, leaving the practice of Islam or even worse, the religion completely?
Abu Kibria's answer is simple: "parents have to sacrifice," he tells Sound Vision. "You have to show them love for Quran and Sunnah."

Parenting is a full-time job

In discussions about how to help Muslim teenagers maintain the practice of Islam and stay involved in the Muslim community (ever notice how most stop coming to Islamic weekend school after they turn 12), strategies discussed amongst Muslims in the West include more youth camps, setting up a social group of Muslim peers, and programs at the mosque.
While these are also crucial in ensuring the survival of Islam in the hearts and minds of Muslim youth, what is sometimes ignored is the tremendous role parents play in making or breaking a youth's practice and maintenance of Islam.

The problem of defective parenting is not identified, let alone talked about within most Muslim communities.

Parents have two strategies, according to Muneer El-Kassem, who has served as Imam in London, Ontario in Canada: "they take parenthood as a full time duty or [..] they leave their children to be raised by trial and error."

Part of proper parenting is just being there

El-Kassem stresses the need to have one of the parents present on a daily basis for children. Too often, parents are busy providing "the good life" for their children on a material level (i.e. nice house, a car of their own when they turn 16, expensive clothes, etc.) by working, in some cases, two or three jobs.

However, they fail to spend time with their children and teenagers to provide the Islamic values which will form the base of their belief system and identity for the rest of their lives.
"When that intimate relationship does not develop between parents and children, when [the youth reach] the age where freedom to them is to have as much pleasure as they can, they will do [what they want] because the parents became just a fixture in their life," explains El-Kassem. "If the parents will stand in their way now they will be stopped and the children know how to stop them."

Kibria was not only there for his kids. He made sure he helped them when they wanted to have fun too. He says he didn't just drive his kids to Islamic events, for instance, but also to skating, soccer, and their other activities.

The need to create the right environment

But a stay-at-home mom is not an overnight solution to raising practicing Muslim children. It is creating the right Islamic environment, which is the responsibility of both parents.
The most important factor in this is that parents must practice Islam themselves. Young Muslims have noticed a strange phenomena with their parents: "One of the common complaints I get from youth is that parents have double standards. They say something but they do something else. They're more loyal to their culture than to Islam," notes Shaikh Faisal Abdur-Razak, Imam at Toronto, Canada's TARIC mosque.

This is something that Kibria, however, continues to be on guard against, noting that, "I make sure I am praying myself before I tell them [his children]."


Teens must not dissociate themselves from the home

"If parents do not have the right environment at home and they don't have good communication with their children that will lead the children not to really like the home [and] they wouldn't care to associate with it," says Ekram Beshir. She and her husband Mohamed Rida Beshir are the authors of the book "Meeting the Challenge of Parenting in the West: An Islamic Perspective".
This dissociation from the home spells disaster for a teen's Islamicity. In most Muslim communities in the West, the home is where the youth first experienced Islam, whether that meant learning how to pray or preparing the house for Eid. A young Muslim, therefore, would not only be dissociating him/herself from the home, but at a certain level, from Islam itself.

Parents have to discuss issues, not order teens around

Good communication is a key ingredient in opening the doors to a teenager's heart and mind. A parent's willingness to discuss issues openly and with patience results in the teen eventually confiding and trusting in the parents.

It is at this level that parents are more likely to have their teenager's attention and willingness to consider the Islamic perspective on things and to heed their advice.

Ideally, this type of communication should be done from childhood. If it is, "your child by the age of 13 or 14 [will] have his own moral system," notes Beshir. "Even when you are not with him, he has his support from inside," she adds. "He knows Allah, he knows what to do [in] many [situations]. He will still need your assurance and judgment but it's not like he has no clues".

Parents should say "I love you"

Muslim youth, like other teenagers, can stay attached to their parents and homes if they feel loved, accepted and listened to there, not ridiculed, criticized or treated harshly.

That means for instance, parents should not shy away from saying "I love you" even to their teenagers, something uncommon in many Muslim cultures.

Also means parents have to accept their children's good and bad points and work at implementing Islam taking these into consideration, instead of trying to make them into something they are not (i.e. wanting the youth to be a certain weight or to be more outgoing or an A student in math).

"Everyone is a unique person, so you cannot ask him to be the way you want him to be," says Beshir.

Remember parents, the teen years are a time of struggle

Parents' love and acceptance are crucial during the teens, when most youth, Muslim and non-Muslim, are struggling.

"They are struggling within themselves to understand the changes of puberty they are going through," says Beshir. "They were just children a few years ago now they are trying to find their own new position in the family and society, in their own circle of friends or school or [amongst] neighbors. They need to feel they are not rejected. This drive to not feel rejected is so huge that he or she will do anything just to feel that he is being accepted," she says.

Give your teens Islamic education, even if it's a little

Parents don't have to be scholars to transmit Islamic values to their children. They must pass Islamic knowledge and practice to their sons and/or daughters no matter how old they are or how little knowledge they have.

"If the parent has real love for their children, that will make the child respond in a positive way to the little the [parent] is handing over to him or her," says Waheed Mustapha an advisor with the Muslim Youth of North America (MYNA).

Kibria is a good example of this. He describes how hard it was for him to give up a career of over 20 years as a musician, playing the Tabla, a type of drum from the Indian subcontinent.

"We went to all the programs at the same time I played the Tabla," he explains. He took his kids to almost any Islamic program in his community: Islamic summer schools, camps, one-day programs, etc.

One of the things that changed his perspective was when a former Tabla student in his class suddenly disappeared. When Kibria did get in touch with this Muslim, he discovered he had given up playing the Tabla for a stronger commitment to Islam.
"If Ibrahim could sacrifice his son Ismail then the Tabla is nothing," says Kibria, recounting the man's change of heart.

The other factor that convinced him to give up the Tabla was when he saw kids becoming more serious about Islam. "I promised myself I would not touch the Tabla anymore. No more musical things. Then I joined them [his kids] and encouraged them."

Parenting Style and Its Correlates

Source: http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html Developmental psychologists have been interested in how parents influence the development of children’s social and instrumental competence since at least the 1920s. One of the most robust approaches to this area is the study of what has been called "parenting style." This Digest defines parenting style, explores four types, and discusses the consequences of the different styles for children. Parenting Style Defined Parenting is a complex activity that includes many specific behaviors that work individually and together to influence child outcomes. Although specific parenting behaviors, such as spanking or reading aloud, may influence child development, looking at any specific behavior in isolation may be misleading. Many writers have noted that specific parenting practices are less important in predicting child well-being than is the broad pattern of parenting. Most researchers who attempt to describe this broad parental milieu rely on Diana Baumrind’s concept of parenting style. The construct of parenting style is used to capture normal variations in parents’ attempts to control and socialize their children (Baumrind, 1991). Two points are critical in understanding this definition. First, parenting style is meant to describe normal variations in parenting. In other words, the parenting style typology Baumrind developed should not be understood to include deviant parenting, such as might be observed in abusive or neglectful homes. Second, Baumrind assumes that normal parenting revolves around issues of control. Although parents may differ in how they try to control or socialize their children and the extent to which they do so, it is assumed that the primary role of all parents is to influence, teach, and control their children. Parenting style captures two important elements of parenting: parental responsiveness and parental demandingness (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Parental responsiveness (also referred to as parental warmth or supportiveness) refers to "the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Parental demandingness (also referred to as behavioral control) refers to "the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys" (Baumrind, 1991, pp. 61-62). Four Parenting Styles Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on parental demandingness and responsiveness creates a typology of four parenting styles: indulgent, authoritarian, authoritative, and uninvolved (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Each of these parenting styles reflects different naturally occurring patterns of parental values, practices, and behaviors (Baumrind, 1991) and a distinct balance of responsiveness and demandingness.

• Indulgent parents (also referred to as "permissive" or "nondirective") "are more responsive than they are demanding. They are nontraditional and lenient, do not require mature behavior, allow considerable self-regulation, and avoid confrontation" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). Indulgent parents may be further divided into two types: democratic parents, who, though lenient, are more conscientious, engaged, and committed to the child, and nondirective parents.
• Authoritarian parents are highly demanding and directive, but not responsive. "They are obedience- and status-oriented, and expect their orders to be obeyed without explanation" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62). These parents provide well-ordered and structured environments with clearly stated rules. Authoritarian parents can be divided into two types: nonauthoritarian-directive, who are directive, but not intrusive or autocratic in their use of power, and authoritarian-directive, who are highly intrusive.
• Authoritative parents are both demanding and responsive. "They monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative" (Baumrind, 1991, p. 62).
• Uninvolved parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness. In extreme cases, this parenting style might encompass both rejecting–neglecting and neglectful parents, although most parents of this type fall within the normal range.

Because parenting style is a typology, rather than a linear combination of responsiveness and demandingness, each parenting style is more than and different from the sum of its parts (Baumrind, 1991). In addition to differing on responsiveness and demandingness, the parenting styles also differ in the extent to which they are characterized by a third dimension: psychological control. Psychological control "refers to control attempts that intrude into the psychological and emotional development of the child" (Barber, 1996, p. 3296) through use of parenting practices such as guilt induction, withdrawal of love, or shaming. One key difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting is in the dimension of psychological control. Both authoritarian and authoritative parents place high demands on their children and expect their children to behave appropriately and obey parental rules. Authoritarian parents, however, also expect their children to accept their judgments, values, and goals without questioning. In contrast, authoritative parents are more open to give and take with their children and make greater use of explanations. Thus, although authoritative and authoritarian parents are equally high in behavioral control, authoritative parents tend to be low in psychological control, while authoritarian parents tend to be high. Consequences for Children Parenting style has been found to predict child well-being in the domains of social competence, academic performance, psychosocial development, and problem behavior. Research based on parent interviews, child reports, and parent observations consistently finds:

• Children and adolescents whose parents are authoritative rate themselves and are rated by objective measures as more socially and instrumentally competent than those whose parents are nonauthoritative (Baumrind, 1991; Weiss & Schwarz, 1996; Miller et al., 1993).
• Children and adolescents whose parents are uninvolved perform most poorly in all domains.

In general, parental responsiveness predicts social competence and psychosocial functioning, while parental demandingness is associated with instrumental competence and behavioral control (i.e., academic performance and deviance). These findings indicate:

• Children and adolescents from authoritarian families (high in demandingness, but low in responsiveness) tend to perform moderately well in school and be uninvolved in problem behavior, but they have poorer social skills, lower self-esteem, and higher levels of depression.
• Children and adolescents from indulgent homes (high in responsiveness, low in demandingness) are more likely to be involved in problem behavior and perform less well in school, but they have higher self-esteem, better social skills, and lower levels of depression.

In reviewing the literature on parenting style, one is struck by the consistency with which authoritative upbringing is associated with both instrumental and social competence and lower levels of problem behavior in both boys and girls at all developmental stages. The benefits of authoritative parenting and the detrimental effects of uninvolved parenting are evident as early as the preschool years and continue throughout adolescence and into early adulthood. Although specific differences can be found in the competence evidenced by each group, the largest differences are found between children whose parents are unengaged and their peers with more involved parents. Differences between children from authoritative homes and their peers are equally consistent, but somewhat smaller (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996). Just as authoritative parents appear to be able to balance their conformity demands with their respect for their children’s individuality, so children from authoritative homes appear to be able to balance the claims of external conformity and achievement demands with their need for individuation and autonomy. Influence of Sex, Ethnicity, or Family Type It is important to distinguish between differences in the distribution and the correlates of parenting style in different subpopulations. Although in the United States authoritative parenting is most common among intact, middle-class families of European descent, the relationship between authoritativeness and child outcomes is quite similar across groups. There are some exceptions to this general statement, however: (1) demandingness appears to be less critical to girls’ than to boys’ well-being (Weiss & Schwarz, 1996), and (2) authoritative parenting predicts good psychosocial outcomes and problem behaviors for adolescents in all ethnic groups studied (African-, Asian-, European-, and Hispanic Americans), but it is associated with academic performance only among European Americans and, to a lesser extent, Hispanic Americans (Steinberg, Dornbusch, & Brown, 1992; Steinberg, Darling, & Fletcher, 1995). Chao (1994) and others (Darling & Steinberg, 1993) have argued that observed ethnic differences in the association of parenting style with child outcomes may be due to differences in social context, parenting practices, or the cultural meaning of specific dimensions of parenting style. Conclusion Parenting style provides a robust indicator of parenting functioning that predicts child well-being across a wide spectrum of environments and across diverse communities of children. Both parental responsiveness and parental demandingness are important components of good parenting. Authoritative parenting, which balances clear, high parental demands with emotional responsiveness and recognition of child autonomy, is one of the most consistent family predictors of competence from early childhood through adolescence. However, despite the long and robust tradition of research into parenting style, a number of issues remain outstanding. Foremost among these are issues of definition, developmental change in the manifestation and correlates of parenting styles, and the processes underlying the benefits of authoritative parenting (see Schwarz et al., 1985; Darling & Steinberg, 1993; Baumrind, 1991; and Barber, 1996). For More Information Barber, B. K. (1996). Parental psychological control: Revisiting a neglected construct. Child Development, 67(6), 3296-3319. Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95. Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond parental control and authoritarian parenting style: Understanding Chinese parenting through the cultural notion of training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111-1119.. Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487-496. Maccoby, E. E., & Martin, J. A. (1983). Socialization in the context of the family: Parent–child interaction. In P. H. Mussen (Ed.) & E. M. Hetherington (Vol. Ed.), Handbook of child psychology: Vol. 4. Socialization, personality, and social development (4th ed., pp. 1-101). New York: Wiley. Miller, N. B., Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Hetherington, E. M. (1993). Externalizing in preschoolers and early adolescents: A cross-study replication of a family model. Developmental Psychology, 29(1), 3-18. Schwarz, J. C., Barton-Henry, M. L., & Pruzinsky, T. (1985). Assessing child-rearing behaviors: A comparison of ratings made by mother, father, child, and sibling on the CRPBI. Child Development, 56(2), 462-479. Steinberg, L., Darling, N., & Fletcher, A. C. (1995). Authoritative parenting and adolescent adjustment: An ecological journey. In P. Moen, G. H. Elder, Jr., & K. Luscher (Eds.), Examining lives in context: Perspectives on the ecology of human development (pp. 423-466). Washington, DC: American Psychological Assn. Steinberg, L., Dornbusch, S. M., & Brown, B. B. (1992). Ethnic differences in adolescent achievement: An ecological perspective. American Psychologist, 47(6), 723-729. Weiss, L. H., & Schwarz, J. C. (1996). The relationship between parenting types and older adolescents’ personality, academic achievement, adjustment, and substance use. Child Development, 67(5), 2101-2114.

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Source: Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education Author: Nancy Darling, PhD, MS EDO-PS-99-3, March 1999

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Repairing the Parent-Child Relationship

by Barbara Frazier, M.S.W.

http://www.thesuccessfulparent.com/articles/parent.htm#top

The parent-child relationship is being assaulted from many directions these days. Parents are under the gun of mounting economic pressures resulting in long work hours, and often more than one job. Our 24-hour a day culture has created a job market that never goes to sleep, and many parents find themselves working hours outside of the usual nine to five workday. This leaves big gaps in childcare arrangements, especially since the school day has continued to remain somewhere between the hours of 7AM and 4PM. Another cultural development that has significantly impacted the family is the explosion of mass media and mass communication, particularly internet style. This evolutionary step in technology has permanently changed the environment within which parents are trying to monitor and control the development of their children. The massive exposure to all kinds of information, and particularly information that is unhealthy or beyond the scope of a child's developmental age, has placed parents in the untenable position of battling outside influences that tear at the parent-child relationship rather than assisting to safeguard family values, parental guidelines, and promote normal psychological growth.

All of this is exacerbated if you happen to be a single parent trying to do it all. These parents are often just plain tired and worn out, and the idea of trying to sift through the problems that confront their children after a long workday when its time to cook dinner, do homework, and get everyone into bed can seem daunting to say the least. Nevertheless, the strength of the parent-child relationship is more important than ever as it is our primary means of keeping our children safe, helping them to navigate the world, and assisting them to develop personal strengths for making the right choices. The problem is how to make sure that the parent-child relationship is strong and meets the child's needs in spite of some of the circumstances just described. For many, the relationship is already in need of repair. What's offered here are some of the more proven methods for enhancing the relationship along with some tips on how to begin the process of repair.

SIGNS OF PROBLEMS

The first step is to evaluate the state of your relationship with your child or children. You can get a pretty clear picture by asking the following questions:

• Do you know your child's likes, dislikes, choice of activities, favorite TV shows, favorite clothes to wear, best and worst subjects in school, etc., and if so, how detailed is your knowledge about these things? For example, you might know that your son likes video games, but do you also know that he likes two or three in particular? Do you know what it is that excites him about these particular kinds of games?
• Do you know your child's friends, what they do together, what kinds of struggles they encounter, what they have in common, and so forth? This is particularly important if you have a teen. Do you know the interrelationships of your teen's peer group? Do you talk about such things together? Does your teen want to tell you about her friends?
• How effective are your attempts at discipline? Do you find that most of your communication with your child is around issues of discipline? Are you having a lot of problems with disrespect, defiance, and chronic misbehavior?
• How well is your child doing in terms of developmental tasks and behavior? Is she regressed? Are there chronic problems with schoolwork or school behavior? Do you feel she is able to maintain responsibilities appropriate for her age?
• Is your child overly whiny or attention seeking, or does he show any signs of having inappropriate separation anxiety from you?
• Are their any overt signs of low self-worth, low self-esteem, anxiety or depression, and if so, are you able to talk to your child about these feelings?
• Is your child overly aggressive, involved in deviant behavior, chronically angry, or conversely overly withdrawn and passive?

If your answers were less than satisfactory to more than two of these, then it is likely that there is too much distance between you and your child, and that he or she is reacting to the distance in a negative manner. This doesn't mean that you are a bad parent. It just signals that you need to reestablish some closeness with your child by making yourself more available and attentive. One caveat to keep in mind is that some of the above problems can be caused by other factors such as ADHD, drug abuse, divorce, peer problems, and so forth. Nevertheless, these situations can also significantly tax the parent-child relationship, and in some cases professional counseling is necessary which we highly recommend in addition to the ideas outlined below.

METHODS FOR REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP

If you've done any reading about the parent-child relationship, you know that the main advice given is that you need to spend time with your children. This is absolutely true and there really is no way to get around this very important step. All relationships are built upon contact that is characterized by caring, dependability, trust, empathy, acceptance, energy, and time. Relationships that are not tended to and nurtured on a regular basis become problematic and eventually erode or break down. So the first rule of thumb is that you must figure out a way to make some "relationship time" with your child that is separate from discipline or tasks. The second part of the equation has to do with how the time is to be used and what is to be accomplished as a result. There are four types of activity that are particularly conducive to building the parent-child relationship while also accomplishing the goals of involvement, self-exploration, recognition, problem-solving and expression of feelings. These are play, conversation, participation in activities outside the home, and verbal recognition.

Play For younger children (all the way up to 10), play is the primary mechanism for the expression of feelings, communication, and solving emotional problems. It is both a window for stepping into and understanding your child's world, and a vehicle for creating a solid bond between the two of you that is felt by the child through your interest and involvement at their level. You can begin by setting aside some time each day (or as often as you can) to play with your child. The number of times per week will depend on your schedule as well as on the amount of repair that's needed. If the relationship is very strained, then try and play at least five times a week to start and back off as the relationship improves. Keep in mind that any amount of playtime is better than none.

How to Play. For younger children, you might clear a space on the floor and announce that you would like to play, or you can join in with play that's already in progress. For older children, it is more effective to play in the child's room. Either way, let the child be "the boss," meaning that they decide what they want to do and what toys or materials are to be used. Let them guide you as to how you can join in or interact and then follow their lead. Don't ask questions other than to clarify their instructions. If you have not done this before, you might find that your child is a little wary at first of your participation. If that's the case, then sit and observe until you're invited to join in. You can try making comments about what you see going on, but you want to be sure that your comments are strictly descriptive and carry no judgement.

For children who can't seem to get started, you can initiate play by simply beginning to play with something yourself. For example, you could begin coloring in a book or lining up toy cars, or engage in any activity that you know your child likes. This will usually peak the child's interest and before long, he or she will join in. Sometimes they join in by taking charge and instructing or correcting you.

Rules During Play. The important rules to observe during playtime are as follows: (1) the child needs to be in control during playtime; (2) absolutely no conversation about discipline should occur, nor should their be any hint of judgement or criticism on your part; and (3) other distractions need to be eliminated for the duration of the play session. If you have only 25 or 30 minutes, that's fine. You just need to be sure that you make some arrangements to avoid distractions. Take the phone off the hook, have your husband or a friend watch the other kids, and so forth. The more you engage in playtime with your younger children, the less struggles you will have with discipline and gaining cooperation. Your undivided attention during playtime combined with the child's opportunity to be in charge will go far to satisfy his or her needs for attention and power.

Conversation

Just as play is the most powerful tool to use with younger children in sustaining the relationship, conversation is the tool par excellence to be used with adolescents. The kind of conversation we are talking about here is used to do several things: (1) promote expression of feelings; (2) facilitate self-exploration and identity building; (3) identify problems and solve conflicts; and (4) communicate interest, understanding and empathy. It is very important to keep these goals in mind as you engage in conversation with your child or teen as it is easy to digress into disciplinary problems, criticism, or attempts to push your own agenda. This kind of conversation should create an atmosphere of exploration and have a give and take quality to it, although I would suggest that it's helpful to be more of a listener and let the teen do most of the talking. Avoid drifting into lectures. This is deadly and will defeat the purpose. Remember, your job is to listen and facilitate.

How to Proceed. You can set aside a special time for conversation, but generally it works best with teens if it is more spontaneous and occurs at a time when they are not distracted by other activities. If you haven't done much of this before, it will seem awkward at first and your teen might ask what you're doing, or even be rather cynical and standoffish. If that's the case, then it's best to sincerely state your purpose. You can say something along the lines of "I've noticed that we really are not in sync lately, and I think some of it is my fault. I haven't really given you the time you need, but I really am interested in what's going on with you." If that doesn't get the ball rolling, then begin with some general questions. Tell your son or daughter that you want to know what they're interested in, what it's like to go to their school, what their experience is of their teachers, what their friends are like, and so forth. Why do they like this person and not that one? What's is it like to be a teen these days? How is it different from when you were a teen? What are they struggling with? Basically, you want to know what it's like to be them.

Once you get in the habit of regular conversations such as this, you can move on to helping your teen think about her identity. What are the qualities and values she aspires to? Who are her mentors? What kinds of relationships is she hoping to develop, or what kind is she engaged in now? Your job is to reflect back what you hear in such a way that implies that you know what has been said and you understand the point of view. You may not agree with or like everything you hear, but you will find out much more about who your child is if you allow this sort of open conversation.

Conversation is not just for teens, but can begin as early as your child learns to talk. The idea is to establish the habit of conversing in an open manner so that your children feel free to express their feelings and ideas to you as well as to feel that they can gain your support when a problem occurs. With both teens and younger children, sometimes all that's necessary is to just be attentive and present as your son or daughter chatters on about something that is of interest to them. A computer whiz might bend your ear with the details of how to maneuver software or create new programs. Your young teen daughter might chatter endlessly about the various goings on among her immediate group of friends. Your simple attention and reflective comments are the tools in this case for allowing your child to feel understood, important, and valued. As you build this base of understanding and empathy, you will find that your children will view you as someone who can help them when they have problems.

Participation in Outside Activities

So far we've been talking about one-on-one interaction between parents and children within their own environment. Another avenue for enhancing the parent-child relationship is to participate in activities outside the home. This extends the parent-child relationship into the community thereby helping the child to maintain that sense of specialness and love while operating in the world. Such activities can continue to be one-on-one such as going out to eat together, taking in movies, engaging in singular sports like playing tennis or riding bikes, and so forth. When I was eleven years old, my dad took me grocery shopping every Saturday followed by grabbing lunch at the drugstore next door. As a young girl, I looked forward to this regular outing with my dad. It was something special that just he and I did together and it always gave us (I should say me) an opportunity to talk. It was a ritual that facilitated a feeling of security for me as well as a sense of being loved and important. Such experiences can have a far-reaching impact on your child's sense of self as well as her ability to connect with others.

Equally important to this kind of singular experience is the involvement of parents in their children's extracurricular or school activities. Seeing your mom or dad in the stands at the basketball game when you are playing, or feeling their admiration as they watch you perform in a school play, or maybe catching a glimpse of the understanding in their eyes when you miss your lines . . . All of these sorts of experiences spell interest, recognition, and involvement to your children. The feeling that someone is rooting for you whether you succeed or not, is very powerful. Such participation in your child's activities or endeavors provides a certain kind of acceptance and recognition as well as interest that will go a long way in teaching them how to perform and participate in the larger community.

About Verbal Recognition. The last mechanism for enhancing the parent-child relationship that was offered in the introductory paragraph is "verbal recognition." This technique is somewhat involved and requires more space for explanation, so I have offered it as a separate article entitled "Giving Recognition." Try using this technique or any of the others described above on a consistent basis for a month or more, and I think you will see marked improvement in your relationship with your child as well as a reduction in behavior problems.